Breaking Patterns using THE RULES

It’s kind of funny the people you will date when you are looking for a change. I went from one TYPE to the next. I was very much into the type of person who was totally self-involved & loved to put me in my place. Maybe I was a glutton for punishment. But if I found someone who was full of themselves, and needed constant pumping up, hell, I’d love to follow you around all day long & tell you how great you are while you cut me down! AWESOME! But I couldn’t break that pattern. I am a total sucker for confidence. I’ll even over look your bad haircut, uni-brow or your weird little tooth as long as you keep telling me how awesome you are, I’m going to believe it!

So I decided to switch it up a bit. I broke down & bought a dating book. Not ANY dating book, but THE Rules. Might I suggest you check out the Top 10 Rules right now!

http://www.therulesbook.com/topten.html

This book has been so slammed by people, men in general, that I was intrigued. My current dating routine wasn’t working, so why not gain a new perspective. I didn’t, at the time, have a single girlfriend to go out prowling with, so why not. I was a RULES girl now.

Some of the rules seemed kind of childish for a while, but I have to give it to these girls, they really made you look at yourself differently & they were working.

So hate on haters, if your current routine isn’t working, I suggest at least keeping these rules in mind. I also suggest finding someone to try them on. I did, and I followed the rules, and you’ll hear about him soon. Just note, that it drove him crazy, and he couldn’t get enough of me, until we got enough of each other.

Soon to come-tails from Cat-Boy & how I learned to use the rules to my advantage.

Don't Rain on my Parade!

I keep having conflicting thoughts on the absence of you in my life. One minute it hits me you aren’t there anymore and I’m taken back. The breath sucked out of my lungs just for a moment. When I hear hilarious songs or say things that used to be inside jokes between us it makes my heart ache.

Where did the days of lounging on the beach harmonizing songs around a campfire?

When did our friendship turn cold?

It started gradually. I have always done my very best to be there for you, especially when you needed me the most. But seasons change & so did you.

One day our phone conversations stopped being two sided. It was just you talking at me & asking my opinion about you & your life. When I would tell you things, deep – personal things that were making my soul crack, you would brush me off. Tell me to get over it, that this kind of thing happens to a lot of people. But it didn’t happen to a lot of people, it was happening to me, your best friend, and I needed you, my best friend to listen & to care & to tell me it was going to be ok.

No matter how you twist my words around, I tried. I tried to be your friend after everything you have put me through this last year. You made me feel horrible. Your pent up anger came hurling towards me at your every will. It came to a point where I stopped calling you, because I knew you wouldn’t answer & if you did, you would start some kind of fight.

Everything revolved around YOU and if something wasn’t going strictly your way, it was a bitch fit festival. You have said some truly mean & nasty things to me this year-but I kept “forgetting about it” because I didn’t want to lose my best friend over something trivial.

You didn’t even call me on my birthday last year. You knew what a hard time I was having with this birthday. This birthday being my first birthday “alone” and though I wasn’t alone, I had never felt more scared as I did that year. But you didn’t try to make it right, you didn’t even call.

I sent you 5 (FIVE) cards, got you a HUGE gift and called your phone singing into your voicemail all day long. It wasn’t a contest as to which of us is a better friend, but clearly I won that dance off.

But like every other time, I let it go & “forgot” about it.

So then the big thing happened that I couldn’t forget. You shared something too personal on that too personal place-face book. You shared something personal, about my family, on FACE BOOK when I told you not to say anything yet? When I asked you to take it down you went AGAIN to FACE BOOK & shared your passive aggressive feelings with the world.

But I did my best to share my feelings privately with you in a mature way. You then twisted my words & attempted to use them against me. So for the 4th time in a calendar year your words or actions have caused us to not speak.

As if throwing the ultimate mini-fit wasn’t enough- you took it to the next level.
You intentionally left me out of the biggest thing that has ever happened in your life.

You left me out. Your maid of honor, the only non relative at your baby shower, the girl who drops everything to be your friend. This girl got left out intentionally to the biggest thing that will ever happen to you.

This action threw me into a deep depression. I didn’t sleep for a few days & when I wasn’t sleeping or working, I was crying.

I decided to take your words to a close friend, or two. I wanted to know if I was in the wrong here. You know what? It wasn’t me; it was you who was in the wrong. Maybe that’s why I had so much trouble getting over this last wronging. I went to my family & friends with my tears over this calendar year & they kept telling me to give you another shot. That a friendship like ours was worth it, but this was feeling more one sided than usual.

Then @ 3am I got a picture mail, days after & all of my anger melted away. Was that message sent to me at the time it was sent to everyone else? Was it sent to me @ 3 am to wake me up? Did my phone not work & it got sent late as hell?

So I did the things I was supposed to do. I ooohed, I ahhed, & I sent the nicest face book messaged & text messages. I even went out & found that card that I bought you-4 months ago for this very day & sent it off.

I figured, sure you were mean & nasty, but your life has just changed for the better & I was willing to let it go once again. I poured my heart out into a gushing card. So that morning, at 11am I ran out to the mailbox & work & sent that hand made card. It was raining, but I wanted to be SURE it went out right away. I skipped back to work because I was so happy for you & for your new life. I couldn’t wait to get more photos & more updates.

1 hour later I came home from lunch & opened up my email. In that inbox was a shitty message to YOU basically telling me to fuck off.

That was the final straw. I should have known you would treat me this way. This same way you treated everyone before me, the way I am sure you will treat those after me.

Do me a favor & delete my email address. I don’t want a form letter sent to me with photos. I’m not looking to get a holiday card. I don’t care to look at your face. Please also don’t contact me when you come to town for the holidays. I’ll be hanging out with my family & my real friends.

I’m glad you are out of my life. I’ve actually never felt happier with out your fake hippy-dippy bullshit pretending to cloud my sunshine. I’m totally over you rain-ing on my parade.

The end of an LD Era.

When left alone too long I start to move on. It’s really interesting to look back at my thoughts of a year ago when I was dating so frequently & try to analyze it here today for others to look at.

LD has been very underwhelming lately. It’s been a lot of broken dates, a lot of broken promises and a lot of alone time.

I should have known better with him, but I put on the blinders & told myself he was different. I thought he could have been the one, because he was so fun & he said all the right things. But he was just as I had feared. He was almost a mirage. He was an opportunistic guy.

Unfortunately, I think he might have been dating someone while he was dating me. Or maybe they were on a break? I’m not sure. It’s not the bliss I was looking for and I seemed pretty OUT of his loop. Sure, he talked about me while he was talking to other people, but there were gaps-long gaps where I felt ignored.

Then I noticed he was listed as “in a relationship” on the face book and we hadn’t spoken about anything like that. He wasn’t all into his FB either. He’s not an internet guy. He’s a hunting guy. He’d rather be outside. So how long was this status up there? I really don’t know. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t have anything to do with me though.

This is kind of gut wrenching. I wanted it to be about me. I wanted it to be that girl. But I put on the blinders; I called a friend & told her that he was listed as in a relationship. We both lied to me and said it was likely about me.

I was sure it wasn’t, but maybe-just maybe- he forgot to change it. It’s not like he updated his wall EVER. So maybe when he started face book he was in a relationship & forgot to change it when he got single.

I really, really want things to work out with LD. So I did what every savvy girl does. I got completely hammered with my friends over the holidays, left the room & called him. I told him that I wanted to be his girlfriend. I wanted it to be just us. I told him I had other people waiting for me, and that he was whom I was choosing. I figured in my drunken state, that he would be flattered. I was CHOOSING him!!

He started to talk & I told him to stop talking. He started back stepping, he didn’t think we were that close, and didn’t really consider us “dating”. I told him then that I was really drunk and that he should just think about what I said & I’d talk to him later.

I called him the next afternoon, hung over & ready to beg for forgiveness. He didn’t answer and I left an extremely awkward voice mail. That was December 26th 2009 & I didn’t hear from him ever again.

I have since however had to speak with him, as I knew him loosely in a professional matter. He makes jokes about how he didn’t know what to say & I told him I was dating someone else. That we started dating while him & had been dating & it floored him. It felt really-really good to shock him. He stuttered. But I got to get back at him & as trivial as that sounds, it felt amazing.

Also I have since looked at his face book again. He was in a relationship with someone else. I’m still not sure if it was the whole time. But the 2 of them are seemingly very much in love.

Good luck & good riddance. At least at the end of the day (though I was pretty drunk) I put myself out there & spoke my mind.

Lesson learned: If they are saying all the right things, it might be rehearsed.

Reacting to your exes happiness

I have come to the realization from personal events & today’s headlines that maybe people/friends/onlookers/family will NEVER get past your one big break up.

I mean if Jessica Simpson-who is totally famous- is expected to react to her ex getting engaged- 5 plus years after they broke up, then I guess I should just always expect to get a nice face punch every time one of my friends remembers the good old days. Remember that one time, 6 years ago when it was fun? Sure I do, gee-wiz that I was a great time.

It’s like I too can’t escape it, years later, my big break up still haunts me. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, dinner with friends, sporting event, bonfire-somehow it all seems to roll back to that one big break up. Even people, who I really don’t know at all, know about my break up. These people being friends of friends, people I know in passing. Like my break up was something that my friends decided to talk about when I wasn’t around to someone I really didn’t know.

I hope there was some kind of learning experience involved where I came out the princess. I always want to come out the princess.

I hope people do learn from my break up & I do try to teach my friends lessons from other friend’s misfortunate relationships. But I don’t want to talk about it over & over & over again. I blocked them on face book for a reason y’all!

Like Jessica Simpson, I wasn’t the first to move on. Jessica & I have both had a few failed relationships while our exes seem to be living the dream right in front of our faces. Though my ex is clearly dating down (I wish I could show you a pic of this pig), it still doesn’t help to know that my ex is happy without me. I mean come on- who’s happy without this? I’d like to think my ex is miserable, but that’s just me.

But to ask Jessica to react to her ex getting engaged, well I just think that’s a low blow. I think Jessica is over Nick and doesn’t care if he gets married or jumps off a cliff. I think what the hard thing is, to know he moved on first & more successfully. That’s the gut wrenching detail!

So if you cornered me and asked me how I felt that the person I used to love got engaged after we didn’t work out, I would tell you I didn’t care. Thanks for bringing it up & potentially ruining my day. Then I would go home, reflect on it a bit & move on. Sure it would throw me off for a few minutes, but come on- it’s been years now.

So let the girl be. She doesn’t care & doesn’t need YOU to remind her every time she leaves the house! That goes double for me. Leave me alone & stop bringing up my past already. I’m ready to name drop when you are the next time you are ready!! Remember that one time in college that YOU did that one thing with that one guy.... YUP... I do too!!!

But I guess it could be worse, I could be Jennifer Anniston.... that poor girl is never going to get a break.

Is the message always the same?

LD called me and told me his phone was broken. So he had to go to the Sprint store. I met him there and it seemed like we were there FOREVER. That place is like a vortex for time. It’s just as bad as going to the DMV, because they really don’t’ seem to care about you. People we just chatting, and hanging out and taking breaks, and we were just stuck there…waiting.

Then we went to TGI Friday’s and had dinner. Like a real, actual date. He had to call his mom while I was with him & he told her he was with me. Dinner was really good, and we had quite a few laughs. I like hanging out with him, because I don’t even have to pretend to pay. He was holding doors for me, & putting his hand on my back when we were walking. At dinner we both talked about how we aren’t going to see anyone else right now. Which is really great if you ask me. I don’t want to have to think about him seeing someone else and I don’t want him to worry the same. I tend to open up too much when he’s around. Like my mouth is a waterfall of information. I told him I was seeing someone else when we went to lunch, but I wasn’t seeing him the last time we were together.

He took me back to my car & we headed over to his house for a few after dinner drinks. I could talk to him all day. He’s just so damn cute. It’s safe to say I’m smitten. I left my necklace over there. I HATE leaving things at people’s house.

It’s supposed to snow tomorrow here which means he’s about to be even more unavailable. But I know that, and he knows how I hate being ignored. So I think it will be fine. Plus he plows an apartment complex near me, so he’s just going to have to come over when he’s done.

I feel like I am slowly turning a corner with LD. Like I am moving slowly towards the beginning, but I know I need to watch my temper & make sure to not give away all of my secrets too soon. A girl needs to have a bit of mystery still...right?

Stop Over Analyzing & Just Be Happy For A Minute!

So it’s been a while & I have been experiencing all of the ups & downs of trying to act cool around LD & totally flipping out because he’s not calling me 24/7. It’s always something with him. It’s his job, it’s his other job, it’s his family, it’s his ex-drama, it’s he’s too tired, it’s hunting, it’s hockey games, it’s never just me. But just when my internal battle comes to a head: Call him OR Delete his number, the air shifts.

I try to live by THE RULE OF 3. If I haven’t heard from you in 3 days, I delete your # no matter how much I think I adore you & how hard the potential of us-Rocked My WORLD!!! I was teetering on the evening of day 3 & I get a call.

This call was explaining the largest drama yet. Apparently he said someone was trying to break into his house. So he was dealing with installing a security system & not sleeping at home for a few nights. He lives in the middle of nowhere on a dead end dirt road, his back yard is a LAKE, has 3 dogs and he sleeps with a gun next to his face. It sounds pretty protected to me…but I guess someone had it out for him?
He did call & explain that all to me though, and said he was sorry & didn’t want me feeling blown off. Me? Oh, I barely noticed you didn’t call at all…. (READS: I have been checking my phone every 2 minutes for the past 72 hours you jerk!). Thankfully, for those 3 days, when I was going through it only a few close friends & my sister knew that I was quite possibly losing my mind.

My sister really “let me have it” too last night. I sent her this email going off on all of my crazy emotions yesterday. She told me that sometimes she thinks that I need someone else to let me know that it’s ok to be happy. I guess I was so used to not being happy, and being told what to do and how to do it, that I kind of got lost in the whole letting myself get happy idea. Then she told me when LD & I get married she wants a cut of the pre-nup since she’s been the one keeping me together so we can be together.

Happy/frightened feeling aside, we set another date for later this week. He called me the following evening & we talked for an hour or so.
He slipped in some rather curious comments. (Caution: over analyzing is about to take place)

1. He was talking about something in his shop (he owns a machine shop…not that I know what that is) and said something like “Every girl I date has to do it”.
2. We were talking about how people were under cutting him on his snow plow business. I said something like he should throw in a gift or something added for value, that wouldn’t cost him anything. Then he says “& I will throw in my girlfriend riding along with me top less while I plow snow.

Yeah I know it’s silly, but the words DATING & GIRLFRIEND are burned into my brain. Also he said something about how I was going to be mad at him because he’s going to a concert on New Year’s Eve. So yes he’s thinking about long term & I am bummed that I wasn’t included (yet?) into the New Year’s Eve plans.

So I am going to do my best to just be happy, for this one minute or two. I’m going to stop overanalyzing and just smile because a seemingly great guy seems into me.

30 things I love about myself.

With my 30th birthday breathing down my neck, I have decided to name 30 thing I love about myself. This was a LOT harder than I thought it was going to be. So when it the last time you gave a little self love?

1. I am a wonderful daughter, sister & friend.
2. I am the best dog mom ever
3. I am witty
4. I have learned when to speak my mind & when to keep my opinions to myself (at least for the most part)
5. When I am outside, I feel the most at peace
6. I’m a fabulous listener
7. I am a lyrical genius
8. I crack inappropriate jokes 24/7
9. I am a neat freak- in a good way
10. I love to win
11. I am generous with my time & myself
12. Entertaining is one of my favorite things
13. It took a long time, but I live my life with no regrets
14. I learned how to love time alone
15. I make a wickedly mean sangria that tends to bite after the 2nd glass
16. I love learning
17. I still have faith in people I do not know
18. I am a sucker for romance & love
19. I try to include everyone
20. I love arranging my home & other people’s homes.
21. My hair is amaze-balls
22. I rock my gift of song
23. I don’t smoke anymore
24. I think best on my feet
25. I am a hugger by nature
26. Problem solving is never a problem
27. My freckles are adorable
28. I will do something hilarious in public to make someone laugh
29. I might not be the best dancer but I love to move & groove!
30. Every morning I do my best to start out fresh.

I need to keep busy so I stop checking my phone for your missed call...

I'm doing my best to stay busy right now. I am getting the feeling that I have had before & it's not sitting right with me. So what do I do when I am nervous/scared/feeling alone? I immerse myself into something else. This weekend that something else was going for drinks with my guy friend; we will call him BUDDY, on Friday. The girl he was dating just dumped him. We were both in the need for some distraction & a little drama-free fun. I think I checked my phone about 250 times that evening.

In general I am a slave to my routines. If you have ever dined with me, you will notice that I tend to eat the same things at restaurants. To mix it up & distract me more, we went to a few local bars that I have never been to. It was nice to get a change of scene from the local bar keeps who I was sure were judging me from all of the different guys I was at their bars with through this whole new finding myself process. I was feeling better as the night got longer, but still checking my phone for an inkling of care from LD.

So we are at the last bar & Buddy notices his ex’s roommate across the room, sure enough, his ugly ex is right there. We ignored her & she ended up leaving. I figured this evening would be drama free- but there was total tension in the room. NOTE: This girl HATES me because Buddy is well, a great friend & we have become pretty close in this last year. I guess I was a threat to her, but lady- it's all good, because Buddy & I are just friends.

The evening ended & it was time to go home. I called LD 2x over the day on Friday and got NOTHING back. No text, no call, NO-THING. I was starting to feel like I was being punished for being upset that I was getting blown off-again.

Saturday I went & had breakfast with one of my friends & then I went to hang with my fabulous artist friend in a show she was in downtown. There was some good distraction. Art, good vibes, fabulous people and a great friend. Just what I figured I needed. I even turned my phone on silent for the occasion.

On my way back home I called LD again, I was feeling very insecure & nervous. I was practically holding my breath. He answered & was in the middle of family drama. He kind of copped a tude, but I wasn’t sure if it was just me being sensitive or what. He said he’d call me later & didn’t.

How many times can a girl check her phone?

I have now gone into BUSY MODE. Sunday my friend & I went shopping. Then I came home & rearranged my apartment.

So I start getting annoyed that LD hasn’t called or texted all day again. Thinking WTF, I thought you were different. So I waited, freaked out. Nothing. I talked to another friend & my sister. They told me the same thing; he’s going through A LOT with his family drama & doesn’t have the time to constantly call this one girl he’s kind of seeing. But to me that wasn’t good enough & I didn’t care. THANKFULLY he texted me just a simple “Good Morning” before 8 am on the following Monday. Damn right!!

So I am NOT going to call him tonight. I am going to let him call me. Which I also hate, but maybe I need to play a little harder to get. Maybe I’m doing this wrong?

TGIF.

Things with LD have been a great & mighty whirl wind of emotions.

Things were going wonderfully. We were setting up our next date which was a week-day date. The flirty texts were rolling in. The fast phone calls to check on my day in between working were helping me swoon. The day was set & I was ready for more excitement with this man who was blowing my mind.

So our date day comes & I am super duper exited all day. I’m gabbing with my girlfriends about what to wear & what we are going to do. IDK what (if anything) we are doing. Are we chilling at his house? It’s not far enough along where I can get away with a sweatshirt & ponytail. Lol.

I tell these friends to thank the lord for their long term sig/o because they can pretty much just roll out of bed & amaze their lovers-I’m still working it!

I get a quick text from LD saying he has to do a few things having to do with some family drama, but that should be all cleared up before I got out of work. Sure, ok fine.

So I leave work go home & start getting ready. I’m curling my hair & get a call: no date.

LD got all sick & had to deal with his freak family drama. I hope he’s not getting my h1n1 & he’s just congested from the temperature change. I mean I was’t contagious when we hung out on Sunday, so it just must be the temp change. He sounded horrible when he called me on the way home.

I kind of copped an attitude when he told me we weren’t hanging out, even though I could hear in his voice that he was’t feeling well. I didn’t mean to & instantly regretted it. But I was totally bummed out. Being the guy he is, he totally called me out on it too. Totally called me out on it- in an: “I’m not taking your shit” kind of way. But I apologized when he called me on his way home. I think I am just going to do my best not to compare him to everyone else that’s ever lied to me & screwed me over. I’m going to go out on a teeny tiny limb here & trust him. He’s been nothing but wonderful, and attentive & honest with me. So I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt & not project my insecurities with others onto him. Doesn’t that sound like it came from a psychologist’s mouth & not mine?

I need my friends to get on TEAM LD. I need them to back me up & not throw me down into a huge pool of my insecurities. Help remind me when I get insane that he’s not a bad guy & he’s not the other people who have broken my heart! My gut is telling me he’s an amazing guy and my gut hasn’t said that in a long time. It’s my personal insecurities that are causing me to doubt something that he’s never done or said & that’s just not fair. So only positive vibes, sunshine & hopefully soon, good booty!

I hope I can use my TGIF line soon. (TGIF= this guy I’m FKing)

So Is This What a Biological Clock Sounds Like??

Someone turn down that clock it’s making it hard for me to concentrate at work, at home, in the car & while sleeping. My biological clock is ticking like CRAZY!

If you would have asked me 5 year ago about children, I would have laughed directly in your sweet little face. I’ll go as far as to say children annoyed me. Sure they are cute, and nice & all. I would sigh loudly when your child ran in front of my cart at the grocery store or ruined my good times on vacation. I couldn’t roll my eyes far enough back into my brain when you “had to go” in the middle of my most recent dating dilemma because your child needed to be attended to.

You must be thinking “boy is she a bitch”, which is exactly what I wanted you to think because I didn’t want your sweet little baby’s awesomeness to penetrate my soul. I always knew I wanted to be a mother, but after one failed relationship after another, I decided I would never be happily settled down & therefore never have children. So I wrote them off. Bye-Bye Baby.

So I stopped considering it. Sure, maybe I did with an ex here or an ex there, but not really for real. Now I think about it a lot. Is it because my friends have children? No. my friends have been having babies since high school. Is it because I’m getting older? I don’t know. But my biological clock is ticking so loudly that I wish I could throw it out the window.

It’s a 2 sided coin. On one side I want to have a child RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE, on the other side I am not stable enough or ready for children. Is there a perfect TIME to have a child? Is there a perfect moment where you can say: Yes- I’ve traveled, I’ve accomplished, I’ve been all the ME I CAN BE, I’m financially stable enough to have children NOW!

Does anyone ever have that time?

Will I ever find that perfect person whose clock is ticking as loud, that might be sane? Is there some kind of questionnaire they can fill out?

Hi, my name is KK, I’m into canoe trips, camping, making up songs, my dog, and laughing at immature jokes about balls- do you think you want to be a daddy? If so, anytime soon because these eggs aren’t getting any younger & neither am I!! How’s your relationship with your mother? How many babies do you want? How old is too old to attend a kindergarten graduation for you? Your place or mine?

Blinded By The Lake

Oh man did I have fun with LD last Sunday night. He’s so freaking sweet, manly and adorable and sexy. He lives on a freaking lake. Like out of his back door is a lake. It’s beautiful & so peaceful out there. It’s definitely somewhere I can’t wait to get back to.

So you must be asking yourself: How did KK get to going out with LD on a Sunday night? Well here’s the back-story. As you know he’s been calling me all the time and totally knocking me off my feet with his sweetness. I asked him if he wanted to hang out on Saturday, and he said he had some stuff going on, but maybe – after hunting – we could get together.

On a whim after I went to the museum on Saturday, I decided to go to see my parents. I didn’t have any plans & I didn’t feel like sitting in my apartment anymore. I kind of had enough of it from the week of sickness. So I called my friends, and went home. I talked LD on my way home & he told me he was excited to get together on Sunday night. I wasn’t really sure though if we were going to get together, because I don’t know what goes on with hunting other than killing stuff & a lot of drinking.

Saturday night I went home, hung out with my family and then hung out with my friends. At like midnight I get this text message from LD saying he wishes that I were with him. We ended up having this really long (kind of drunken) conversation about a lot of things that night. i.e.
How I HATE to be ignored
How if things get serious (as in doing it all the time) how I don’t share well & I’m not cool with him being with anyone else
How I was just in a horrible relationship
His past 2 huge relationships
How I’m not in for a lot of drama (he has an ex who can’t get over it)
How he thinks it’s really cool that there isn’t going to be a weirdness stage with us, because we have kind of “known” each other for a while.

It was kind of an amazing conversation. I had most of it sitting on a stump under the stars @ my family’s house.
So Sunday I went home after shopping with my mom all day. He calls & invites me over. I put on my brand new sweater & boots and headed over there. He lives kind of in the middle of nowhere. I got in the house and wasn’t in there for 3 minutes and he kissed me (hello butterflies). Then he gave me the grand tour including introductions to his 3 dogs & his cat.
We ended up just watching a movie and had a marathon of making out. He was super sweet the whole night just really cuddling up with me and staring into my eyes. I was melting and he totally knew it. He’s really a lot hotter than I originally gave him credit for. I really like the fact that he’s older than I am. I also think somewhere along the lines, someone trained him well.

Thank YOU for lifting me up.

I am so thankful for my tight weave of friends who understand me.

You lift me up more than you know, every single day.

You are CHAMPIONS who don’t make me feel like I am less than them because I am going through a transitional phase.

I am thankful that YOU listen to me even though they might not understand.

I am happy that YOU support me through the big things as well as the small things.

That YOU do not constantly remind me that they are in long-term relationships, married, or have children.

I am thankful that YOU treat me as your equal & not as a bratty girl who just wants some well earned time with her buddies one on one.

I am thankful that YOU also cherish that time alone with me, and that YOU can use me as an outlet to get some time in with out your sig/O.

I feel supported by YOU in that YOU make time for just me all the time.

That YOU check in on me, when there was a time that I didn’t know if anyone would notice if I disappeared.

Thank You ladies & gentlemen-best friends-for caring about me.
Sharing YOUR life with me.
Believing in me.
Making me feel as YOUR wonderful equal, even though sometimes I can’t help but feel like less than.

I hear things all day long from people who make me feel less than because I am not married with children. YOU remind me that aspect of life isn’t everything that matters & if I decide that I want to be married with children that it will happen one day in time.

I love you & I appreciate YOU my friends.

Ah-ha moments

What is it going to take to have your ah-ha moment?

I don’t know the exact moment that I snapped. That minute when I was sick of it. I was sick of feeling horrible every other day, every other week, once a month feeling broken. But then something would happen every time to make it better just for a glimmering moment & then I would just push back the past. Like that one shiny nice thing could erase all of the blaring sirens that this isn’t right or good or how things are supposed to be.

I surround myself with some of the funniest, intelligent, foxy friends on the planet. A few of them have one more thing in common other than knowing me- they are in relationships that are horrible. Not just for my wonderful friends, but for their sig/o’s. I feel equally sorry for both parties in these broken halves because they can be happy once they push past the pain.

I had someone tell me when I was in a bad place. I had them tell me every chance they could find. But I wouldn’t listen until it was my time to hear. I wish someone had told me sooner, when we were going through the good times. I wish someone would have taken me aside & said wait a minute- this isn’t right.

My friends used to pretend to love my ex, just as I pretend to love their current lovers. But people we aren’t getting any younger.

Have your ah-ha moment. Please. I had mine & I was on the floor crying for a very long time, but it was the best thing that I ever did for myself. We were tangled in each other too, but I figured it out, and you helped me. I’ll help you too! I’ll be here to pick you up off the floor & I can’t wait to show you how worth it you are!

So pretty, hilarious, talented, foxy, friends- jump. You know you aren’t happy, and so does everyone else.

It’s painful to hear over & over how unhappy you are. I love you too much. You are worth it!

It’s hard to walk away. You have things together, maybe you bought a couch together, and you really, really love their great grandmother’s coffee table. But you need them, you have too much together & it just keeps accumulating every day. They help you with things & you love their family. What would you do with out them, with out their friends, with out the help of their family?

You are NOT HAPPY & THEY ARE NOT HAPPY WITH YOU! GET OUT!

You know I am talking directly to you.

Ask yourself this:
What are you going to do if they have the ah-ha moment before you do?

WTF Zone

Hi. So I am kind of frustrated right now. Soldier Boy (SB), as you know, has been kind of flaky lately. Last night I was bored out of my mind (because I’ve been watching TV for too many days straight) so I popped on the Internet.
Now I have looked SB up on face book a few times, we aren’t friends, but I have seen his profile picture change 3x since we’ve gone on our first date. The first one was him & some old dude at a conference (maybe it’s a celebrity…IDK). The second one was of him & his friend at the Lions game he went to the day after Halloween. Now it’s just this like full-length picture of him he took of himself in the mirror. Have I mentioned he is kind of vain? He kind of thinks he’s from the Jersey Shore… Ok… not why I am frustrated. For the record, mine has changed 4x since we started dating.
Here’s where I am thrown. I get a message from someone on the dating website & think, heck—I’m bored. So I look, some loser. Whatever. Then I look to see if I can tell when SB has been on last. HE WAS ON THAT DAY!!! So I go into panic mode & click on his profile. Shoot. Now he knows I was on his profile, because it shows you the last 3 people to look at your profile. So I start sweating and even change my user name. Slick right? No.
Today I check my email before work & he added me as a favorite on the website. I honestly don’t really even know what that means. But I do know that it means:
1. He’s on the website
2. He’s on it 2x in one day
3. He knows I looked at his profile
4. I am one of his favorites?

I texted him, randomly yesterday just to say hi. I also texted LD @ the same time. Wouldn’t you know I didn’t get a text back from EITHER GUY?
So I’m very in the WTF zone.

Being sick sucks.

I decided to take a break from both guys. Lunch date has been MIA for a few days & Soldier boy seems to be “busy with school”. It was getting to be too much. The spotty conversations, the missed calls, the long hours or nights even- between text messages. My life was revolving around constantly checking my cell phone for recognition. Once I realized that, I decided to take some me time. I had some super fun things coming up & I couldn’t wait to take charge of my own happiness again.
So I went to a football game with my friends & put my phone on silent & left it in the car. It was liberating to not have checked it 50X to see if anyone of the boys had tried to contact me.
When I got back to my car & my phone there were 2 missed alerts: one from each soldier boy & lunch date. I decided to not text them both back immediately & just enjoy my time with my friends.
By the time I got home, I was feeling ill. Maybe it was too much sun, maybe it was too much tailgating, and whatever it was it was horrible.
No amount of sleeping it off could help though, I had full fledged H1N1 & it SUCKED.

It’s really hard the first time you get sick & you live alone. No one is there to get you medicine, no one is there to make you soup or get you juice from the store, and no one is there to watch your dog. My mom told me to pack up & come home, but I couldn’t make the almost 2 hour drive. I was too sick. It was weird being cut off from society for so long. I couldn’t stop being freezing cold & then pouring sweat not to mention that I couldn’t stay awake for more than 3 hours at a time. I could barely take care of my dog. Being sick alone totally sucks.

Here is the boy breakdown while I was sick.
Sunday: No call/text from soldier boy.
Call from LD.- I tell LD I am sick.
Monday: I send Soldier boy a text telling him I have the flu---NOTHING back
LD: calls me 2x just to check to see how I am feeling.
Tuesday: LD calls me 1x & texts me a few times.
STILL NOTHING FROM SOLDIER BOY
Wednesday: LD calls me at 11:30, just to tell me he’s thinking about me.
8:30- Soldier boy sends me a text asking me how I’m doing.

Reaction to: LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE By Eminem Ft. Rihanna

Love the Way You Lie- Eminem Ft. Rihanna

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uelHwf8o7_U


I have heard a lot of people say how shocking this song is to hear, how shocking it is to know that Rihanna did the melodic hypnotic back up vocals. How could she do this after what she went through?

I wasn’t shocked when I heard it first; I wanted to hear it over & over & over & over again. I was keeping watch over my radio. I couldn’t get enough. I even brought it up to a few friends, aweing over how powerful this song was. My friends couldn’t get over how sick the song was, how wrong the song was.

To me, this song makes perfect sense.

Reading the tabloids I know that Eminem & his ex wife Kim had this very same relationship, Rihanna & Chris Brown has this same relationship… I had this very relationship when I was very young. I was way too young to know & way too blind with love to care.

It’s hard to think about, but no one ever looks at the violence when someone is in the violence. It’s always how to prevent violence, victim versus predator. I like how this video portrays both people being violent & it’s not just Megan Fox getting her ass kicked. It’s a very fair back & forth. This is a bit more modern day, because modern women aren’t just sitting back, they are fighting back too.

I’m not saying to you that I am condoning violence, because I would never do such a thing. It wasn’t right & I am so glad it’s far behind me, but sometimes it’s not that easy. It’s not that lifetime movie special featuring some woman being the victim, running to a halfway house. I don't know that kind of violence, the kind that breaks bones or sends someone to the hospital. For me, it never got that kind of bad, it was more broken things, than black eyes. Sometimes it’s just real & raw & you don’t know if you love it or your hate it, but you can’t turn your back on it. You should, you know you should, but you can’t. How when it gets this intense, you don’t want out of it, but you can’t stand to be in it.

It's intense pain to be in the middle of it, it's intense pain to be out of it. It's so good some days, and it's so bad other days, but tomorrow is a new day...

It’s poetry.
It’s shocking.
It’s true.
I get it.
It’s beautiful.

Confession: I totally spend too much looking up people online.

Confession:

I totally spend too much looking up people online.

Were we friends in 5th grade? Did we date? Did you just say something funny to me? Are we about to go on a date? Were we enemies? Yeah, some days I just have that kind of time & self disrespect. I have taken to blocking certain people on face book. I block them for 2 reasons.

1. I don’t want them anywhere near my personal information

2. I can’t pour over their information that they forgot to block for hours overanalyzing every single character on that page.

On a very self hating night- I unblocked someone previously blocked. It was the Ex-Friend my Ex-Lover cheated on me with for months. There was a shining main photo. The 2 of them together, holding one another, smiling. Sure they both looked super fat (ha-ha bitches!) but it was still a hard slap to the face. I really didn’t need to see that, and coincidently I didn’t sleep all week & called a few people crying.

Also, it’s kind of like a knife in the chest to see that after what may seem like hundreds of collective hours Googling that high school boyfriend, he’s happily & married. I mean it’s ridiculous what you can find. Same boyfriend’s wedding seemed nice, since the photographer put all the photos up online. His parents look well & I wonder if they did get that mixer they registered for.

I’ve had quite a few Exes find me on various social networking sites. I try to not respond, especially to the crazy ones… but I can’t help but pour through their information. It’s like crack. I don’t care about them, but I am DYING to know what they are up to.

I wish I could stop, but this damn internet makes it hard to do it. Don’t pretend like you don’t do it too or that you are going to do it right now.

The Big Night Out.

So I started getting ready for Halloween. I did my hair; I put on TONS of make-up, my stilettos, & put on the smallest outfit I have EVER left the house in. I felt good, I felt sexy, I really was giddy with excitement...
RIGHT before I left to pick up soldier boy, lunch date called. So I had to stall. He was just calling to see what I was doing & to tell me to “Be Good”. Yeah… so that kind of threw me off. I mean who tells someone to BE GOOD? Especially on Halloween with my lacking outfit, please! I had to throw this information as far out of my mind as possible & work on my night with Soldier Boy. So I politely got Lunch Date off the phone. I had other things to focus on. Like building up the confidence to walk outside looking like a whore. A cute whore, but a whore all the same.

Soldier Boy made me feel amazing once I got to his place. He reassured me with a huge smile & some comment about me being totally sexy in my outfit. OK, I was good now. Going out as a couple with Soldier Boy was amazing. I haven’t had this kind of fun & connection in a while. Soldier boy was totally into being a couple too. It just seemed to fit. So insecurities aside, I think this is something that could potentially be good. My friends liked him too. We were adorable; we posed for couple’s pictures in our couple’s outfits. Everyone got along flawlessly. He bought all the drinks. I laughed, we danced, and we entered a contest. It was a perfect night. There were a few strange slip ups, but I wasn’t going to let it get me down. I was flying sky high.
Lunch Date did text me a few times that evening. I texted him back once & then turned my phone off. I wanted to give soldier boy my attention.
The night ended & we ended up back at my place.
The morning came, my dog woke us up & he was ready to go by the time I had taken my dog outside. He had some stuff to do, he was leaving town for the day, going to a sports game or something with his friend. It was OK, I’m not too into the whole morning thing anyways & I wanted to do my own thing that day.
So I took him home, turned my phone on & talked to lunch date a while later when he called.

I am completely exhausted right now. I’m into Soldier Boy, but there are a few blaring flaws that I can’t help but notice. I’m trying to look away, but I can’t.
With that being said Soldier Boy’s issues are:
1. I really don’t think he has a car – he talks about his car, but I always drive or we take a cab or he’s on the bus. I have never seen said car in his parking lot at his apartment.
2. He’s weird talking about his son. Like it’s a secret. I don’t want to meet the kid, but shouldn’t you want to talk about him a little?

Lunch date is kind of blah, but there’s something about him that just sends sparks up & down my body. It’s not that he’s smoking hot either, because he’s totally not my type. Some people just have that air about them. I think it's his confidence in himself or maybe because he's older, established & successful. Whatever it is, I can't seem to get him totally off my mind.

I don’t see a need to make a decision at this very moment but it's amazing to feel this sexy all the time. Does it say anything about the 2 men if I can't choose one outright? Is it too soon to say? Indecision is queen!

Excuses, Insecurities & Seeing if It's Worth It.

I’m starting to hear excuses from soldier boy. Are they real excuses? Is he really busy and needing to reschedule? Did he really forget to call, go to bed early, get super busy & not have time for me? Am I projecting the failure of my past relationships onto soldier boy?

I’m trying to push it aside. Trying to lie to myself for a few minutes until I feel better. I want my friends to lie to me for a few minutes too.

Soldier boy is texting me about our big outing as a couple, with my friends, showcasing our couple, dressed in coordinating outfits. But he’s texting me at work. I can’t talk at work. When I call him back, he’s in a loud place where I can barely hear him & he doesn’t call back when he said he was going to. In fact, he didn’t call back at all that nigh.

A few nights later, things are back to normal. Flirty text messages, attention… maybe he was just not feeling well?

All of a sudden my phone rings. It’s lunch date. He’s asking me out on a real date-this Friday. I said yes, and then immediately regretted it.

I started calling everyone I knew who might be up & would be down for hearing me freak out.
Friend 1: Go for it. Soldier boy isn’t your boyfriend, and you’re not his girlfriend. It’s not a big deal…
But to me it kind of is, I mean soldier boy is going to be a BEE KEEPER & I am going to be a BEE. I want to give him this weekend to just focus on him.
Friend 2: We hash out that I need to blow off Lunch Date and focus on Soldier Boy.
Friend 3: Shoots me a text & says the same thing & to blame it on her still being in town. Since she’s in town now…
So I call back lunch date, and his phone is off so I have to leave a voice mail. Oh well, at least he knows. I really want to give Soldier boy a super shot and I know if I were hanging out with Lunch Date on Friday & Soldier Boy on Saturday I would be stressing out all week.

S to keep my stress levels down, I’m going to focus on Soldier Boy. I just hope he’s worth it.

Your Advice Is For The Birds.

Everyone is always filled with advice. People assume since I’m not in a serious relationship that I am not happy. I don’t know how many women offhandedly told me that I’d be happy once I find that special someone. I mean sure I am dating right now, but I could never measure my happiness on a relationship. Unless Prince William wants to make me queen one day… (Call me!)

It’s funny how when you become single, a lot of people treat you as less than. As in, I am less than you are, because you are married, I am less than you are because you have a child; I am less than you are because you have a long term relationship. I don’t know why people feel like they need to treat you that way. People literally talk down to me, my friends even. I mean how could I understand the deep complexities of your relationship… I’m just a single gal.

Hey, newsflash- your relationship sucks. You aren’t happy 24/7 either & you can’t do what you want, when you want, how you want- with out asking for permission. The only thing I have to worry about is my dog & he’s portable.

Please stop belittling your single friends! They don’t want your advice, unless they ask for it. Then when they ask for it, they just want to hear happy-positive-things! Maybe just pump them up once & a while, in the long run they will thank you!

Blips in attention & shiny new prospects

Why is it good things come in pairs? Why is it also that I must have 100% attention or I tend to get all silly. I know I do it to myself. Things seemingly are going fantastically and then there’s a blip. No texts on contact on Saturday & at 8pm on Sunday I finally text him. Like what are you doing? You are providing just enough time for someone else to slip in there & give me attention. That’s just what happened too, someone else grabbed my attention & he was shiny!
This someone shiny has been pursuing me for like over a year now. We know each other professionally, indirectly. It’s just been laughs & flirts here & there. Just casual, nothing serious, but he certainly has my attention. Plus add in the fact that soldier boy is making me feel a bit… underappreciated…
Well this new guy called me THREE times this weekend. THREE. Now he wants to go out to lunch. I thought about it for a long time. He’s the type of guy who doesn’t take no for an answer. What else could I say but yes. we shall now refer to him as lunch date.
So now the guilt is starting to sink in, but it’s JUST lunch. Who's to say soldier boy isn't out there doing the same thing, or worse?
Why do all good things come in pairs? Why can’t I just find one guy who completely blows my mind & keeps my attention?

Things are looking up...right?

He cancelled our hang out date #3 because he wasn’t feeling well. But he rescheduled a few days later. I went over to his place & took my dog. I thought it was amazing how well he seemed to get along with my sweet little dog. It was kind of awesome. We ate pizza for dinner & attempted to watch a movie. I ate bacon for this guy. It was a great evening.

Things with soldier boy were going exactly how I figured they should. Things were going in order. We had some deeper talks about our past, and I found out he has a child. He doesn’t really like to talk about his kid, but I guess it’s really early for that kind of thing, right? I even disclosed things about my past that I had not told other people. I guess I was afraid to show people that I was (am?) damaged goods. But really, in all honestly my troubled past didn't phase him.

Yes things were going in order. Things were feeling...right with this guy...

He was going to start to get busier with school finals coming up soon, and I wasn’t looking to forward to that… but I could deal. PLUS Halloween was only 2 weeks away. I mean we were going out with my friends as a couple. How could things not be looking up?

It's a big step to introduce your friends to someone you are dating. It's a biggest step for your relationship. You are declaring to this other person that they are worthy of becoming a REAL part of your life. Not just someone you casually date, or someone you text to all day, a real part of your life.

Introductions to new people are always kind of hard on your friends too. They are instantly judging this person to see if they fit up to their expectations. Will soldier boy fit the bill? I mean did I mention we are going as a coordinated couple for a halloween party? There is a lot to think about, but for right this very second -- I'm not going to over think, I'm just going to feel happy.

Daves of Yore

I was thinking about it the other day. I don’t have a list or a little black book. I couldn’t even tell you every name of every person that I have ever gone on a date with/made out with/ had a serious relationship with. Is that strange? I mean I assume with modern day conveniences of online social networks, I am able to be found. I have been found by many friends throughout the years & even a few random, more major than minor, exes.
But what about the people who weren’t that major, I wonder if they even remember me. I have had relations with 6 men named Dave. SIX MEN NAMED DAVE. After a while I just started calling them by their #. I can remember #2 the quiet guy from my neighborhood who I met because I wanted to date his friend- but his friend was interested in my friend-so we switched, #3, the music man who I hung out with one Christmas day with his family & shortly after we stopped dating, #5 Super Dave, a good friend of my friend in college that one night our crush turned into something more #6 a Dave more recent & in this blog. But what about Dave #1, #4… I have NO IDEA! I don’t even know if there are unaccounted for Dave’s out there!
I don’t know how to contact them, call them, and find them. There are many men out there who I have gone on dates with that I don’t know how to get a hold of. Maybe that’s for the best! I have moved so many times in the years that I guess I’m not easy to contact. In a 2-year period I did move 5 times, and have changed my cell phone number 2 times. So I guess I’m not that easy to get in contact with either. Unless you can find me on the old social network, if so then look me up with Caution. I’m not the same girl I used to be, I’m much more evolved.
I wonder if it’s then normal to keep a list of everyone significant or not that you have had relations with. So when you are almost on the cusp of 80 you can laugh with your granddaughters & reminisce of the “Days of Daves of Yore.”

Pretty flowers for a pretty girl.

Flowers! He got me flowers (I left them at his apartment…oops!). They were really pretty too! I had so much fun with him. OMG, where to begin.

He called me on my way home from work to see what time I was thinking about coming over. Yeah…called me AGAIN!

So I am getting ready, and I start to get kind of jittery, so naturally I reach for a beer. Then because I really hadn’t eaten all day, I was getting buzzed off of half a beer. AHH! So I attempted to take my dog for a good power walk to work off my buzz and went over to his place. Wouldn’t you know he didn’t have ANY naked lady photos in his apartment!!! We sat on his couch & hung out for a few before the cab came & got us. He told me how beautiful I looked too. Needless to say I was melting.

We got in the cab & went out to dinner. I had some amazing chicken & a very large beer. It was a great restaurant that I had never been to before & was excited to try. After dinner, we went to a Chicago chain bar that I have also really wanted to try. He was joking with me to go to a night club. I guess it was Goth night… he has 2 friends who work there… yeah we went.

Freaks as far as the eye could see! I am talking women with electrical tape over their boobs, and men in all white masks. I actually got to meet 2 of his really good friends too. We sat at this VERY dark booth in the corner and this is when things started heating up a bit. I mean it was VERY PG 13, but yeah. Oh and I was kind of sitting with my feet up on the booth & he kept rubbing my calf, GLAD I SHAVED MY LEGS BEFORE THE DATE!!!

We grabbed a cab & headed back to his place. It was such a nice experience. I mean it was like $30 in cabs alone. I also got to walk around campus a lot, and I never really do that!

So we went back to his place & made out for quite a while. OMG I think I could end really liking this boy. He texted me last night to tell me what a good time he had, and texted me this morning to tell me about leaving the flowers.

All. smiles. Bliss. I am so happy, I can’t stand it. I wish I could bottle this happiness & share it with the world.

Sigh, this is what it’s supposed to feel like. That “I JUST WANT TO BE WITH YOU 24/7, BUT DON’T WANT YOU TO THINK I AM CRAZY” kind of feeling. He’s so freaking adorable.

Soldier Boy

So as quickly as shortstop & I stopped talking, soldier boy waltzed into my life. He was cute, he was charming, and he was stylish. He definitely had my attention. Ok, he didn’t waltz into my life he found me online. He was a bit older than I was, used to be in the Army & got injured so now he’s going back to school.

On our first date, we met for coffee & I totally forgot it was a date because it just seemed so natural. It was a 2 hour coffee date & my face actually hurt from smiling. I didn’t go into the date thinking about going on a date. I find that’s when I get the most thrown off.

We just had a simple hug @ the end of the date & I wasn’t even expecting it. As soon as I got home he began texting me telling me how cute & sexy I was & how much he enjoyed our conversation. He secured our next date for a weeknight & I was flying high on a wave of emotions & attention.

He had been calling me, actual conversations… NOT just texting and we had just talked & talked & talked. We talked about Halloween & how I was going to go out as a Bee.

Previously I had purchased this costume to go out with Shortstop & his friends. I had never owned something so scandalous in my life, but hearing the girls in shortstop’s clan talk about slutty Halloween costumes forced me to step up my game.

Soldier boy talked to me about doing matching Halloween costumes. Matching. He wanted to be a bee keeper. How adorable is that? I mean it’s almost sickening right? I was in a relationship for 6 years & didn’t do anything matching, and after 6 days this guy wanted to be my keeper.

Interesting…

Shine Through

It seems like the exact moment my life went to shit; everyone else’s lives took a glorious turn for the best.

It was hard to hear all of the positive things going on in my friend’s lives like engagements, marriages, wonderful work progression, babies and buying houses. It was horrible, but I couldn’t feel happy for my friends. I felt left behind. In my soul I knew I was happy for them, I just couldn’t see past my shattered life to see the bliss that everyone else was feeling. All I could see in their success was my lack of success. It wasn’t pretty. How as a good friend, can I hear the best news ever from my friends & not feel happy for them? That’s ridiculous.

Not being able to feel joy for my best friends & family made me feel worse. It was like a horrible downward spiral.

Is this feeling of general distaste for everything ever going to pass? Can I fake it until I am truly happy for my friends? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Why can’t the real me shine through???

You know the old phrase: fake it until you make it. I did just that. I slipped up a few times too & my friends caught me & cradled me & told me it was going to be ok. One day it becomes ok & you do shine through.

You just get so engulfed in the flames of your past that your singed eyelashes can’t see through the smoke to the other side.

You shine through though, eventually. You shine though in the best way possible. In fact, you radiate.

You Have A What ??

I’m sorry, I really am, but I’m not interested in being perused by men in relationships. Call me crazy! I have this weird magnetism with men who are married, or in serious relationships. Did you mention you have a child, oh wait-multiple children?? No you didn’t. AWESOME!!! Come on. Seriously. Flirting with me all day isn’t going to make me want you. I have morals. How did you leave that aspect of your life out?
I have standards. Being the victim of a cheating makes me more sensitive than most. I don’t know what I can tell you though. You have set me up to fail with you. You have been demanding my utmost attention, and I had no idea. I can’t say that I care about you; because you’re never going to care about me...hello…you are in a serious relationship with SOMEONE ELSE.
No I don’t want to secret text; no I don’t want you to call me at work. Leave me alone. You’re great, but you’re a cheater & I’m not going to be a part of your emotional affair. I feel bad for your lady friend, because she has no idea that you are off seeking my greener pastures. When were you going to break it to her that she “isn’t enough” anymore? Does she know that while she’s going about her day, you are going about yours- trying to get all over me?
Emotional affairs, in my opinion, can be much worse than a one or two time physical affair. There is a lot more invested. You are sharing thoughts, fantasies, and dreams with another person. If you’re not happy in your relationship- take it from me & get the fuck out. I don’t know a single couple that has survived this & gone continually along in their relationship with this being a speed bump.
Those things aren’t going to change. You aren’t going to love the other person more one day after this whole affair thing dies down you broke the relationship. Once it’s broken, it’s almost impossible to glue back together. So if you are thinking of straying, get out or go to counseling.

Goodbye Shortstop.

I’ve been on the fence with shortstop as soon as we started seeing each other. I was never ever sure if he was into me, or just looking for a plus one to hang out with his group of friends.
In the beginning it was he, & I but he never wanted to do things alone – just us 2. It was always us going to the events together. He complained when I invited him over, I didn’t even live that far and always wanted me to go watch him play softball & then hang out with everyone after.
I feel really awesome that his friends, especially the girls, let me in so easily. To them, Shortstop was their one wonderful single friend. To me, he was just there. I’ve never dated someone with as many CLOSE friends as I have. It was nice.
I even invited him to meet some of my friends. My friends who are really super easy to get along with, and he blew it. Why was he so cool around his group, but socially inept around mine??
I think he liked the idea of having someone around more than he was ever just into me. Looking back on our dating, we dated for 3 months and the whole time I was on the fence. That’s not normal. Every time I was done with shortstop, he’d come back & I would try to forget why I was done. I was scared to be alone again. I was scared to fail again at dating. But it’s not failing if the other person isn’t what you want, and in turn, you aren’t what that person wants.
Also looking back, I am pretty sure I can safely say he was on steroids. I would have NEVER EVER known it at the time, but I heard some people casually talking about symptoms of users & he fit each & every stereotype. Coincidence? Maybe. I will never be sure.
It took me a long time to recognize that we weren’t a good fit & that we both were not going to change. But by the time I figured I was done with him, I was on to the next one. I was more upset with breaking up with his friends, than I was with him.
So shortstop, we had some great times, but you weren’t for me. I hope you’ve found your “plus one” because I am still looking to be someone’s number one.

An Open Letter To My Friends

When I went through my major break of of 2009, I sent an open letter to each & every one of my friends. I wanted to know what I was feeling at that time. Things DID NOT work out how I had seen them over a year ago. As you know I am NOT friends with X. I did NOT end up living there until August. I did NOT keep my puppy, Oliver. Here is me, at my most scared, breaking the news to everyone I know. I have edited it down some, but reading it again, I can almost feel what I was going through at that very moment.

Hello,

I have decided an email would be the best way for this news to travel. This is still a very private matter, so please don’t start broadcasting my news. I guess I am going to get this out there. X and I have decided to break up. We have been talking about it for months now, and it’s just the right thing to do for everyone. There are no harsh thoughts or feelings, I feel lifted about the whole subject.
Unfortunately, we still have our lease until August. I am going to do my best to be peaceful and respectful to X as long as I am met with the same. As we have found out in the past it’s hard to break up with someone when you live with them. There are a lot of blurry lines involved, and a lot of confusing situations. Please be respectful of my decisions and my actions as I try to sort this out.
We also booked our trip to Vegas and still plan on attending in March. I do want to attempt to keep a friendship with X, since pretty much that is all we have been since moving into our apartment in Ann Arbor.
I do not wish to hear anything hateful or nasty regarding X, or our relationship. Keep your comments to yourself, as I have about your significant others and your relationships.
This is the one thing I want you to take a face value and not over analyze. I actually do not wish to hear any comments about this at this time at all.
X has very graciously decided to hand over Oliver to me outright. X will still be seeing him, but he will be living exclusively with me. That was my only huge kicker in this situation, and a large reason I stayed in a decaying relationship for way too long. I honestly could not have lived without my puppy!
In August Oliver and I will be moving into our own apartment. Which I have never done before, and I am really looking forward to it. I have always had to mash my taste with someone else’s and am looking forward to an all teal and brown apartment if that’s what I choose.
I will need your help in the next few months, but really don’t want to drag out things in LONG conversations that I just can’t have in my apartment where X can hear everything I say. I would hope X would also not have those conversations in front of me.
Honestly, I don’t think a lot is going to change with X and me, since we have been pretty much friendly only for a while now.
All of this is still a very sensitive subject and I don’t know how the next 6 months are going to pan out for me. Just please be there for me when I need you and know that I don’t want to get into ANY of this right now. I don’t have the strength.
I am in positive spirits and am feeling great otherwise. I am looking forward to the opportunity to just be ME for a while. Wish me luck.
All my love,
KK

Cocoon

As soon as I became single, everyone wanted to know when I was going to start dating again. But the thing is, once I convinced myself I was single, I wasn’t sure who I was anymore and I wanted to take some time to get to know who I was now that I was just me. I feel like my past relationship deserved a mourning period.

Plus, I was too much of a wreck to date someone right away. I was too angry. I was too sad. I was too tired. It’s exhausting going through a break up.

Exhale. It gets easier.

You sleep more. You eat more. You get used to being you more. You break free. When you are in the depths of a breakup you put yourself into a cocoon. You are desperate to break free, but you have to wait, until you are ready to become the butterfly. Don’t force it. Don’t hurry it along. Just wait it out. The nightmares & the screaming & the sobbing stop. But it has to be YOU that let it stop. No one else can help you make it stop. No one else can help you speed up time. It just happens naturally.

I need time to heal people. I need time to mourn. Not mourn my ex, but mourn my old life. I’m not less than you for being single; I am MORE than you for trying to pick up my pieces. Back off, I’m in a cocoon here! One day soon, you will see the old me. The me with the sparkle in her eye, the me that laughs & sings & jumps around. She’s around here somewhere. I just need some time to find her again.

The Only Prescription Was To Fade Away

I’m really having mixed feeling about dating again. I don’t want to fall into that category of dating someone, just to date someone. I want to date someone who blows my mind. This is really making me rethink the doctor. Yeah, he has status quo, yeah- he’s cute, but he has 3 MAJOR MORAL deal breakers. What was I thinking? I mean I guess I didn’t know that much about him before I went on a date with him…

Yeah. I’m done.

What could these deal breakers be?

1. Does testing on animals for a living
a. Which when he told me, I gasped & told him that it was SICK.
2. Doesn’t believe in God or a higher power at all.
3. Does a LOT of FREAKY drugs.

When you put it all out there, how could you really WANT to go out with him again? So I think I am just going to try to fade off into the horizon.

So after a few days of not texting for a bit, I get this email:

Hey KK

I apologize for not being so good about keeping in touch with you this past week. I wanted you to know that I have started to date a close friend of mine. It is something that had crossed my mind before but I never expected it to actually happen. It was not my intention to mislead you in any way and I apologize for having done so.

I am sorry to have messed this up. It was very nice to meet you and perhaps someday if I see you around town we can hang out (assuming you would still want to talk to me at that point). Good luck with everything and take care.

Doctor


So I guess he was kind of blowing me off too. At least if she’s a friend she knows about the animal testing. Good Luck Doctor & I’ll be at the next protest for sure, see you there!!

Two dates in one weekend, now I am more confused than ever.

Friday I went to Shortstop’s softball game. I had a nice time, once I figured out I was sitting on the wrong side of the field. It was kind of funny, because his hot friend noticed I was there before Shortstop did…
It was fun though. We drank a few beers and headed over to his best friend’s house.
Once Shortstop & I were in the car alone together, the weird comments started happening. He started saying that I was better than he was, and he isn’t rich so that’s not what I should expect of him. I tried to absorb these comments & then talk to him about what he was thinking. He had no interest in talking about it & then we were at his friend’s house so the conversation naturally ended. He makes a comment when we are walking up to the house, that he can buy his own house, right now if he wanted to- but helping out his brother is more important. (They live together).

I’m really not sure where I dropped the bomb that I was some sort of princess. It really throws me off. I mean I am so real with him & on such “best behavior” it’s sick.

We went on with the evening & end up having a super fun time. So much fun in fact, that I totally forget about the weird things that he said earlier. We are having a bonfire, he’s throwing his arm around me, I’m laughing with his brother, it was just super fun.

Then he walks me to my car to say good night & gets all weird AGAIN! Using hand signals to show me how I am up here & shortstop is down there. I am so above him. WHAT? Then he asks me if I want him to come over. HA HA HA. NOPE. I don’t want to deal with you after acting like that. I need to process & I leave feeling very strange.

So Saturday comes around & I am really not too excited to hang out with the Doctor. I’m just thinking that it will be kind of fun and I am so not into it, mostly because of shortstop. (I guess I am just a sucker for drama).
Doctor meets me at 7 and we have far too many beers, laugh, get some dinner, talk about everything. Time is flying. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, I get this friendly punch in the arm & freeze. Too nervous to turn around, I hear the friendly voice of one of my very favorite guy friends. My friend starts eyeing up my situation, surely he’s noticed I’m drunk & out with someone I have never talked about before. Like a good friend, or purely out of curiosity, he sticks around a bit & talks to us. My friend & the Doctor actually hit it off. Which makes me feel pretty good. I mean you want your friends to like your doctor for more than just being your doctor. At some point in the evening, the doctor & I are holding hands across the table. He drops a few bombs that I really don’t like to hear, but I push them to the back of my head. They are big things that end up circling in my head even days later. We decide to go to another bar. Why not right? So we went to this crappy hole in the wall bar, and basically walked around & sobered up a bit. After all the bars closed, he walked me to my car & we made out for what felt like a happy eternity. I’m can’t lie to you, he’s not the best kisser in the world. It almost seemed like he was trying to reenact a movie kiss…but wasn’t quite sure how. It was adorable at best. He asked me if I wanted to go back to his place & like a lady, I declined. I really considered it, but I had left my dog since 6:30 pm & didn’t get home until after 3. Priorities doctor.

So what not? I just don’t know. I decided to invite shortstop over to a BBQ that my friends are having on Sunday…. But he had a family thing to attend to. I’d really like to talk to him & find out where I went wrong… I hope he gets over it.

I’m also hoping to go out again with the doctor this week. I’d like to give him a chance at being awesome. We have great chemistry, I can teach him how to kiss & maybe I can get over the bombshells.

I have been out of the dating game for quite some time now. Let’s just go with 6 years. It just seems like everyone is ok, but has some sort of huge drawback. I don’t really get it all yet. Are these weird comments the kinds of things that you get over, or should send you running for the hills. Also, I am not a prude at all, but some guys just think they can have it all even when they don’t deserve it.

I’d like to end with- it’s completely exhausting dating, let alone dating more than one person at the same time.

BBQ, Shortstop & The Doctor

So last night I went to a BBQ with shortstop at his friend’s house. I was so nervous to meet a bunch of people it was insane. You know me, belle of the ball, everyone’s best friend…yet I was nervous. I got there a little late & didn’t eat a THING there, because everyone already had eaten. Thankfully, last night I ate a piece of string cheese.. I am sure the pounds of salt I have been inhaling the past week have made up for it. But honestly, who gets invited to a BBQ & doesn't offer their guests any food or anything to drink for that matter. Thankfully I brought something to drink or I would have been pretty bummed out.

Shortstop met me out front and introduced me to everyone. I couldn’t name 3 names if I wanted to. He stuck by my side for the first part of the evening. Then the crowd split and I was in a circle of women gabbing about hair, pregnancy, and periods. Brian then exited stage left & went & talked cars with the boys. I had a good time. I like his friends. I really didn’t get to hang out with HIM a lot though. Like I get it, you want to hang out with your friends, at their house, but come on- I really don't know these people.

I was totally ready to leave, but shortstop was at this point, in the garage with the boys looking at the engine of some sweet car. I don’t know. It was funny. But thankfully he came out to check on me, and I told him I was ready to get going. He walked me out to my car and we talked & made out for a bit & then I took off. I told him I wanted to go to his softball game on Friday (he's been inviting me for over a week). Which I think will be fun because I know some of the girls who will be there.

I didn’t get to actually talk to him about my Ex though. I really wanted an opportunity to tell him about that so he could really know me, and so that I can potentially bring him around people and not have someone say something inappropriate. Some of my friends, though they mean well, are not the most impressive around new people. I guess I have time.

I get back into my car after making out, and there’s a text from THE DOCTOR asking me if I was up, and if it was too late to chat! So I texted him back and told him I was up. He called me (OMG BOYS STILL DO TALK ON THE PHONE) and we were on the phone from 11 until after 1 am. He’s pretty awesome. We laughed, and we shared a few stories, and we set plans for Saturday. I am really excited to hang out with him. He seems really cool and down to earth. He runs… uh-ho this girl does NOT RUN. I barley walk fast… But that’s a minor detail. I am sure we are going to laugh all night, because that’s what we’ve been doing since our first conversation.
So. Boys. Boys. Boys. Boys.
What’s a girl to do with so many boys & such little time?

Plus 2 dates in one weekend? I’m exhausted just thinking about it. Is this what “putting yourself out there” really means???

Doctor’s Orders

Today something wonderful happened. I feel kind of horrible about it, but what is a girl to do. I have been knocked off my feet & thrown for a loop.

There I was just minding my own business, being me & I get into a conversation with a man who is as funny & he is flirty. Did I mention he’s a doctor? Did I mention he asked me for my phone number 2x before I gave it to him?

YES MOM A DOCTOR ASKED YOUR BABY GIRL OUT ON A DATE!

Hilarious, funny, witty, charming, DOCTOR.

He said he would give me a call & we could set something up later this week.

I bet you are asking yourself, what about shortstop? Weren’t you just going out with him on 2 dates & saying how great and amazing you feel?

DOCTOR.

How can a girl say no when a doctor asks for her number?

If I could have told myself this a year ago...

If the me of today could write the me of one year ago a letter filled with some advice it would go a little something like this.

Things I wish I knew before I lost my mind.

The break up happened much later than it should have.
My ex was lying & cheating on me through out our whole relationship.
This angry person that you turned into will go away.
You want to still be friends? Give it a year-or two. (Bet you change your mind)
I am never going to get my money back, so don’t front any final bills.
Move out immediately- no one breaks up & lives together & is happy.
Split everything.
Make a fresh start for yourself.
Stay very busy
It’s ok to be alone.
It does help to have someone who is going through the same thing, at the same time.
Do yourself a favor, whatever that may be.
Surround yourself with positive people.
Never date anyone your sister doesn’t think is cool, and who tells you they hate your mother.
Chances are if your family & friends think they are a douche bag, they are a douche bag.
Be the one to move out, take what is yours & no souviners.
Trust your instincts, they are always right!
Make a fresh start for yourself.
It’s ok to cry & cry & cry & cry
The nightmares end
One day you will have to recall your ex to your memory
Avoid anything that might bring you 2 together for a while
I wasn’t the first one to move on.
Not being the first one to move on hurt more than the fact that they moved on.
I learned so much about myself this year it was insane
FEEL your FEELINGS
Don’t take their calls after you get all of your stuff back.
Move on by moving on with out them
Buy new stuff & redecorate
Spend their birthday doing something awesome for your self
Go on a trip to see your friends alone
Immerse yourself in friends & family
The first holiday season alone is HARD, but at least you are with your family!
Stay very busy
Shut yourself in a few days
Just do the things that make YOU happy for once
Say yes to every invitation you can.
Listen to music, all your favorites, even if it’s just the angry tracks
Don’t let yourself go
Join something to better the world!
Put your ipod on & walk all over the place
Sometimes you can only remember the good times & not the bad times.
There were too many bad times, that is why you broke up.
Still can't recall the bad times, call your best friend- they remember.
Get some plants for your new place
You are going to date again
You are going to have many “reasons” to call, text, email your ex- DON’T!
Separate yourself from their family & friends.
Friends come from out of nowhere, like super heroes when you need them the most.
Give yourself a make over
It’s going to be ok
Living alone rules, you can eat whatever you want for dinner.
You’ll be fine
You can do this
Dating is crazy fun!
Find a new hobby that involves your hands. Painting, knitting, cooking, pushups
You weren’t happy & you were never going to be happy unless you made this change
You are happy now.
You really are worth it.
You learn to do a lot of things by yourself & that’s awesome
You end up wearing that perfect outfit & getting noticed for all the right reasons.
Put yourself out there as much as possible.
Kiss a lot of frogs.
The first time you are sick, and no one is there to drive to get you medicine sucks, but you’ll get over it & stock up for next time!
Do everything you can to create permanent distance for a year
Lien on your family & friends – they are waiting to help you
You deserve happiness!
One day you wake up & you are happy.
You are happy now.

Dinner Date, my choice.

Well I guess it wasn’t just me who felt a spark on our first date, because shortstop wanted more. He asked me if I wanted to join him & his brother at a baseball game. I love going to baseball games, but I wasn’t ready to meet his brother yet, not after one date. I politely declined and said I wanted to get to know him first before I met all of his family.

Secretly, I couldn’t be more pleased that he wanted to include me with his brother so early on…

We decided on a dinner date, and this time he was coming to my town & since it was my town I get to choose where we go to eat. I picked a place not too fancy & not too cheap. Just a local brewery where we could go & get burgers, drink a few beers & have fun. I had just bought a new dress the previous weekend & planned on rocking it out. I can’t lie to you, I looked amazing!

Shortstop totally noticed too. He’s one of those guys who stares at you, all the time. We had a short blip when we met up at the bar, because this bar actually has 2 bar areas and I was on the opposite side that he was on. Oops. But dinner was fun, so we decided after we were done eating to go to the bar & have a few drinks… plus there was a baseball game on… and someone was dying to watch it.

We were the only people sitting at the bar, so the bartender & shortstop were just aloud to go on & on about the baseball game. While they were talking, shortstop put his arm around me. It felt really amazing. I can’t tell you the last time I was shown physical attention in public.

The evening ended when the baseball game ended. He walked me to my car, which was blocks away from his & kissed me good night, it was a little more intense than the last time we kissed. I was feeling amazing.

Piece of Meat

Well the day finally came. DATE NIGHT. Can you even believe it? I couldn’t, which is why I was freaking out & every one of my girl friends was calling & texting me to make sure it was going to be ok. I even had to give my best friend my date’s cell phone number, incase this weird boy from the internet didn’t turn out to be so awesome after all.

I really tried to take my time getting ready, and tried to not get nervous. I poured a glass of wine & took it slow. I had to be sure to walk my dog a lot to burn off some of the excess energy that I was building up inside of me. I curled my hair to perfection and my makeup & outfit looked flawless. The only problem was I still had an HOUR before I had to get going. I didn’t want to drink another glass of wine, I was driving… so I watched TV, paced, & busted out the vacuum.

I still ended up getting to the meeting place early & he was late. I ordered a beer to calm my nerves. Then he showed up. I could barley look him in the eyes because I was so nervous. I did notice however, he was eyeing me up like a piece of meat. It kind of freaked me out. I couldn’t tell if he was thinking this was a good idea or not.

As promised, my first bathroom break I texted my girls with the update. He was good looking, his arms were awesome, he was tall, he had an adorable smile—yeah I was having a good time.

The evening progressed, & knowing that I had something to do early the next day, I ended the date. Now comes the moment of truth. He walked me out to my car & we had an amazing kiss good night. I would say we more made out against my car for about 20 minutes. I guess he had fun too. It was so amazing to kiss someone, plus he was an amazing kisser.

I am on a cloud right now.

First Date Jitters

So shortstop finally got the opportunity to ask me out. I’ve been putting it off, and I’m not sure why. I guess because I am kind of nervous. I don’t know how to act on a date, & I really don’t know what to wear. What if it’s weird? What if it’s awesome? I’m such a confident person in so many aspects of my life. I’m really good with meeting new people, generally… but this is different.

We settled on meeting at a place in the middle of where we both live. I am going to work on what I am going to wear & what I am going to say.

I have 3 outfit choices. One of my best friends is going to come over & check out the goodies, and I am going to take photos & email them to my other best friend. I need to know what works best.

There’s no way that my first date as a single girl, is going to turn into a whirlwind romance…right? Right. I am so the queen of over thinking everything.

Is it weird I am Googling conversation topics, & obsessively looking at dating advice online. I am freaking out. F-R-E-A-K-I-N-G O-U-T!!!

We have great conversations on the phone & my thumbs hurt from all the texting, so I am sure it’s going to be fine.

I need a glass of wine.

Friends With Out Benefits, Bitter Loves Company

I am sure you reach a point that all of your friends take a deep sigh & consider hitting ignore when you call once you have gone through a large break up. It must be hard for them to hear you go on & just repeat yourself.

Do they really want to hash out the last few days, weeks, months, years that you spent with your ex? Just wondering if you could go over it one more time that you might figure out where things went horribly, terribly wrong.

Do you really want to hear all of the “I told you so” conversations that happen when you dump your douche bag ex. I mean I guess it did make sense, that when your ex doesn’t get along with all of your friends & your family that something was wrong.

But I had a ray of sunshine flow onto me one day. Because, not really thankfully, but thankfully I had a wonderful friend who was going through the same horrible break up. It was like a gift from the universe. Someone who wanted to be bitter & bitch just as much as I did, someone who was going through the same nervousness with dating & trying to be a single person.

My friend also happens to be the opposite sex and good looking. When my other friends started noticing that I was hanging out with this guy- I got a LOT of raised eyebrows. But I have a LOT of guy friends, just not a lot of them tend to be single & bitter as well.

But it’s great, and I hope that the next time I have to go through something major- I have someone who is going through it with me. Isn’t that horrible?

Cheers to you my bitter, hot, friend with out benefits. I hope I was there for you a quarter of the amount you were for me.

Batter Up

So I guess I picked someone to try out dating with. He’s got a lot of what I look for, physically. He’s my classic go-to fox. Tall, bigger/built & bald, it just makes me swoon. I don’t know what it is, but when the sun glints off the top of that shiny head, I melt. I am not sure why though sexy bald men always do something weird with their facial hair though.

This guy is the TOTAL opposite of my ex. He’s an electrician, he owns a Harley, a boat, & he watches/plays/eats/breathes a lot of baseball. From this point on, I think I am going to refer to him shortstop.

My phone has been blowing up for days. All of this texting, all day long. When are you supposed to work, sleep, eat or talk to your mother?

I’m enjoying the attention, that’s for sure.
I’m kind of overwhelmed, but in a good way.

So now it’s time to talk & see if we want to go out.

FREAKS & Checked Bags

When you are dating at a certain age, aka anywhere after 25, you are going to be dealing with a lot of baggage. Your baggage & that potential dream date you are eyeing across the park. You just have to set some limitations as to what you want to put up with.

Some people just want what they want. Sometimes that can be as simple as saying they only want someone who is really, really into cats. Sometimes that something is more—like being really into weird sexual situations.

I think if you are talking deal breakers- PUT IT OUT THERE. If it’s something you really want, that’s kind of out there go on & sing it to the mountaintops!! Don’t wait until 4 months in & then slip in. You might not like the reaction of the other person.

I have found that FREAKS do let their freak flags fly. If you are THAT into something, you really NEED to address this issue right up front.

There is so much to sort through. There is so much to consider with myself. How much do I even care?

Who’s to say that I find this “perfect” person, we click, I can handle their baggage & then my past sends them packing.

I have some big dirty dramatic baggage, but I guess in some way, doesn’t everyone? Or at best, doesn’t everyone think that their drama is the most dramatic.

Let it fly, let me know, let’s talk about this together & choose a path.

In Case of Emergency.

I just had a mini break down today. I had to fill out a form & when it came to adding that special someone I blanked. Who should I have contacted in case of emergency?
Had you asked me that 2 years ago there would have been no question whom that contact was. I almost freaked & put my ex down. I mean though we ended on a bad note, they still did know my thoughts on what I want done with my organs & how to get a hold of my family…

I can’t put my ex down in case of an emergency.

Oh My GOD I don’t have an IN CASE OF EMERGENCY contact.

Inhale
Exhale

OH MY GOD I DON’T HAVE AN IN CASE OF EMERGENCY

I live in my dream town, so far away from most of my friends & all of my family that if there was a true emergency it might take them too long to respond.

Inhale
Exhale

So at almost 30 years old I had to choose the only person who has never let me down. The only person who will answer their phone day & night. I wrote down my daddy.

Exhale.

Dodgeball

Dating online is like picking a team for dodge ball. You know you want to be picked by the captain of the good team, but how do you know if your team is going to meet your expectations. How does the team captain know if you or the girl next to you is going to be the better match? I just don’t know.

What website do you pick? Do you go with the one with the most commercials? I mean they all have a lot of commercials showing success rates. Am I really ready to be in my own lovers commercial? Look at me, I’ve been single for 15 minutes & we are engaged, bought a house & will have 2.5 kids in 3 years.

I don’t think I’m ready to pay for love. Can I afford it, YES I can. But I just want a taste of what is out there, not devour the whole thing. I don’t even know what to do yet. What are the rules of dating?

I sat down & thought to myself what I would want in that perfect someone.
I tried to go beyond tall, dark, handsome & hilarious. I used a writing guide as my guide into “putting what I wanted out there into the universe”.

Here’s my first draft. This is what I think is going to be good for me.

Someone who is:
Loyal + Strong willed-but not pushy + Loves to cook + Showers me with positive feedback + Has a great job + Loves my amazing family & my friends + Has their own amazing family & friends + Loves to laugh & joke around + is intelligent + enjoys the outdoors + is drug free + Totally blows my mind + is taller than 5”11 + Is the life of the party + Wonderful appreciation of music + Sings + Loves my dog + Can be deep when appropriate + Gives me the right amount of attention + Appreciates the little things + Has a 401k & health insurance + Witty + Charming + Hypnotic laugh + Likes hometown sports + Not a gamer + Gives & expects respect + loves to take mini vacations + Wants to settle down in the next few years + Wants a home & a family + Is adventurous + Great kisser + Personal style + Ok dancer + Loves to travel + Sweeps me off my feet + Amazing in bed + Peace maker + Hand holder + Good story teller + Makes good money + Wants a lake house + Is clean + Likes to read + Semi-religious + SOCIAL drinker + Likes to entertain friends + Enjoys a night out on the town or going to a sporting event + GETS ME.

Yeah, that’s a LOT to ask for, I know. But it doesn’t hurt to “put it out there” right?
Dodge ball anyone?

123 GO!

I would eventually have to move on to someone new. Find someone who didn’t know all of my stories, and all of my friends. Someone who I would have to remind that I don’t drink milk & therefore never buy it. It takes so long to get to know someone again, and then to have this new person get to know you is a scary thought.

In some ways, it’s a fresh start. They don’t know all of your bad habits, and deep dark secrets. But in other ways, it’s exhausting. When do you take the step from hi it’s nice to meet you, to how would you like your bombshell delivered?

So this new me wanted to entertain the idea of thinking about putting herself out there. But what was I going to find?

I had expected at least a few of my friends to have a few quality singles they could set me up with. But like myself, most of my friends didn’t have any single friends. At least any single friends of quality, and of like mind with in an hour driving distance.

So on one drunken evening, my best friend took matters into her own hands. She grabbed a computer & took a look around the virtual dating pool. I looked intensely, and we had a few good laughs. But I didn’t rush home & set up my own account.

I was so busy, making myself busy that I didn’t have time to write a bunch of little thoughts & funny catch phrases to make someone take a look at more than one of my photos. What in the hell can you put down to try to lure a potential suitor who once I held the attention of, held my attention.

So I looked at other profiles & kept mine as a work in progress. Finding qualities I really did have on other people’s pages & made them my own. I put up real photos of myself. Not ones from 6 years ago, to be honest I have an advantage over most people in that I look much better today than I did 6 years ago.

I don’t even know what my “type” is. It’s been so long that I have been in the dating game that I don’t even know whom I find attractive anymore. I, myself, am not the same person that I was 10 years ago, 6 years ago, 3 years ago, yesterday. I’m ever evolving.

Will my taste in a mate evolve too?

Just Me

I think I need to get to the point where I am taking my own advice. The advice I would have given to me, had I been someone else going through this. I know that what I am going through couldn’t be that bad, it’s not life ending. It’s really a blessing… right?

So I decided to go for it. To start letting myself feel my feelings. Which is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I was feeling how I thought I should act in front of family, friends, and even myself. I kept reminding myself to just FEEL MY FEELINGS.

Time to sit still & feel.

It’s hard to imagine what you can think of & how you can feel when you are left alone with your own thoughts. When you don’t have someone at your side, cheering you on. When you don’t have someone telling you that it will be ok. You know it will be ok, at least you think you do.

I cried, I screamed, I laughed and then I sobbed.

Then I realized what was really terrifying. I didn’t know how to be just me. How to just make myself happy. I didn’t know how to be just a single person. I have spent most of my almost 30 years trying to make everyone else happy, and trying to act how I thought I was supposed to act.

How exactly am I supposed to act now?

When I became just me, a single person, it didn’t make sense. I was so used to being a part of a pair. It was like my half was missing. Not that the other half made me whole, but for so long it engrossed my being. It changed me. Now I had to change again.