Sunday, August 29, 2010

Ah-ha moments

What is it going to take to have your ah-ha moment?

I don’t know the exact moment that I snapped. That minute when I was sick of it. I was sick of feeling horrible every other day, every other week, once a month feeling broken. But then something would happen every time to make it better just for a glimmering moment & then I would just push back the past. Like that one shiny nice thing could erase all of the blaring sirens that this isn’t right or good or how things are supposed to be.

I surround myself with some of the funniest, intelligent, foxy friends on the planet. A few of them have one more thing in common other than knowing me- they are in relationships that are horrible. Not just for my wonderful friends, but for their sig/o’s. I feel equally sorry for both parties in these broken halves because they can be happy once they push past the pain.

I had someone tell me when I was in a bad place. I had them tell me every chance they could find. But I wouldn’t listen until it was my time to hear. I wish someone had told me sooner, when we were going through the good times. I wish someone would have taken me aside & said wait a minute- this isn’t right.

My friends used to pretend to love my ex, just as I pretend to love their current lovers. But people we aren’t getting any younger.

Have your ah-ha moment. Please. I had mine & I was on the floor crying for a very long time, but it was the best thing that I ever did for myself. We were tangled in each other too, but I figured it out, and you helped me. I’ll help you too! I’ll be here to pick you up off the floor & I can’t wait to show you how worth it you are!

So pretty, hilarious, talented, foxy, friends- jump. You know you aren’t happy, and so does everyone else.

It’s painful to hear over & over how unhappy you are. I love you too much. You are worth it!

It’s hard to walk away. You have things together, maybe you bought a couch together, and you really, really love their great grandmother’s coffee table. But you need them, you have too much together & it just keeps accumulating every day. They help you with things & you love their family. What would you do with out them, with out their friends, with out the help of their family?


You know I am talking directly to you.

Ask yourself this:
What are you going to do if they have the ah-ha moment before you do?

Thursday, August 19, 2010

WTF Zone

Hi. So I am kind of frustrated right now. Soldier Boy (SB), as you know, has been kind of flaky lately. Last night I was bored out of my mind (because I’ve been watching TV for too many days straight) so I popped on the Internet.
Now I have looked SB up on face book a few times, we aren’t friends, but I have seen his profile picture change 3x since we’ve gone on our first date. The first one was him & some old dude at a conference (maybe it’s a celebrity…IDK). The second one was of him & his friend at the Lions game he went to the day after Halloween. Now it’s just this like full-length picture of him he took of himself in the mirror. Have I mentioned he is kind of vain? He kind of thinks he’s from the Jersey Shore… Ok… not why I am frustrated. For the record, mine has changed 4x since we started dating.
Here’s where I am thrown. I get a message from someone on the dating website & think, heck—I’m bored. So I look, some loser. Whatever. Then I look to see if I can tell when SB has been on last. HE WAS ON THAT DAY!!! So I go into panic mode & click on his profile. Shoot. Now he knows I was on his profile, because it shows you the last 3 people to look at your profile. So I start sweating and even change my user name. Slick right? No.
Today I check my email before work & he added me as a favorite on the website. I honestly don’t really even know what that means. But I do know that it means:
1. He’s on the website
2. He’s on it 2x in one day
3. He knows I looked at his profile
4. I am one of his favorites?

I texted him, randomly yesterday just to say hi. I also texted LD @ the same time. Wouldn’t you know I didn’t get a text back from EITHER GUY?
So I’m very in the WTF zone.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Being sick sucks.

I decided to take a break from both guys. Lunch date has been MIA for a few days & Soldier boy seems to be “busy with school”. It was getting to be too much. The spotty conversations, the missed calls, the long hours or nights even- between text messages. My life was revolving around constantly checking my cell phone for recognition. Once I realized that, I decided to take some me time. I had some super fun things coming up & I couldn’t wait to take charge of my own happiness again.
So I went to a football game with my friends & put my phone on silent & left it in the car. It was liberating to not have checked it 50X to see if anyone of the boys had tried to contact me.
When I got back to my car & my phone there were 2 missed alerts: one from each soldier boy & lunch date. I decided to not text them both back immediately & just enjoy my time with my friends.
By the time I got home, I was feeling ill. Maybe it was too much sun, maybe it was too much tailgating, and whatever it was it was horrible.
No amount of sleeping it off could help though, I had full fledged H1N1 & it SUCKED.

It’s really hard the first time you get sick & you live alone. No one is there to get you medicine, no one is there to make you soup or get you juice from the store, and no one is there to watch your dog. My mom told me to pack up & come home, but I couldn’t make the almost 2 hour drive. I was too sick. It was weird being cut off from society for so long. I couldn’t stop being freezing cold & then pouring sweat not to mention that I couldn’t stay awake for more than 3 hours at a time. I could barely take care of my dog. Being sick alone totally sucks.

Here is the boy breakdown while I was sick.
Sunday: No call/text from soldier boy.
Call from LD.- I tell LD I am sick.
Monday: I send Soldier boy a text telling him I have the flu---NOTHING back
LD: calls me 2x just to check to see how I am feeling.
Tuesday: LD calls me 1x & texts me a few times.
Wednesday: LD calls me at 11:30, just to tell me he’s thinking about me.
8:30- Soldier boy sends me a text asking me how I’m doing.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Reaction to: LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE By Eminem Ft. Rihanna

Love the Way You Lie- Eminem Ft. Rihanna

I have heard a lot of people say how shocking this song is to hear, how shocking it is to know that Rihanna did the melodic hypnotic back up vocals. How could she do this after what she went through?

I wasn’t shocked when I heard it first; I wanted to hear it over & over & over & over again. I was keeping watch over my radio. I couldn’t get enough. I even brought it up to a few friends, aweing over how powerful this song was. My friends couldn’t get over how sick the song was, how wrong the song was.

To me, this song makes perfect sense.

Reading the tabloids I know that Eminem & his ex wife Kim had this very same relationship, Rihanna & Chris Brown has this same relationship… I had this very relationship when I was very young. I was way too young to know & way too blind with love to care.

It’s hard to think about, but no one ever looks at the violence when someone is in the violence. It’s always how to prevent violence, victim versus predator. I like how this video portrays both people being violent & it’s not just Megan Fox getting her ass kicked. It’s a very fair back & forth. This is a bit more modern day, because modern women aren’t just sitting back, they are fighting back too.

I’m not saying to you that I am condoning violence, because I would never do such a thing. It wasn’t right & I am so glad it’s far behind me, but sometimes it’s not that easy. It’s not that lifetime movie special featuring some woman being the victim, running to a halfway house. I don't know that kind of violence, the kind that breaks bones or sends someone to the hospital. For me, it never got that kind of bad, it was more broken things, than black eyes. Sometimes it’s just real & raw & you don’t know if you love it or your hate it, but you can’t turn your back on it. You should, you know you should, but you can’t. How when it gets this intense, you don’t want out of it, but you can’t stand to be in it.

It's intense pain to be in the middle of it, it's intense pain to be out of it. It's so good some days, and it's so bad other days, but tomorrow is a new day...

It’s poetry.
It’s shocking.
It’s true.
I get it.
It’s beautiful.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Confession: I totally spend too much looking up people online.


I totally spend too much looking up people online.

Were we friends in 5th grade? Did we date? Did you just say something funny to me? Are we about to go on a date? Were we enemies? Yeah, some days I just have that kind of time & self disrespect. I have taken to blocking certain people on face book. I block them for 2 reasons.

1. I don’t want them anywhere near my personal information

2. I can’t pour over their information that they forgot to block for hours overanalyzing every single character on that page.

On a very self hating night- I unblocked someone previously blocked. It was the Ex-Friend my Ex-Lover cheated on me with for months. There was a shining main photo. The 2 of them together, holding one another, smiling. Sure they both looked super fat (ha-ha bitches!) but it was still a hard slap to the face. I really didn’t need to see that, and coincidently I didn’t sleep all week & called a few people crying.

Also, it’s kind of like a knife in the chest to see that after what may seem like hundreds of collective hours Googling that high school boyfriend, he’s happily & married. I mean it’s ridiculous what you can find. Same boyfriend’s wedding seemed nice, since the photographer put all the photos up online. His parents look well & I wonder if they did get that mixer they registered for.

I’ve had quite a few Exes find me on various social networking sites. I try to not respond, especially to the crazy ones… but I can’t help but pour through their information. It’s like crack. I don’t care about them, but I am DYING to know what they are up to.

I wish I could stop, but this damn internet makes it hard to do it. Don’t pretend like you don’t do it too or that you are going to do it right now.