Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Don't Rain on my Parade!

I keep having conflicting thoughts on the absence of you in my life. One minute it hits me you aren’t there anymore and I’m taken back. The breath sucked out of my lungs just for a moment. When I hear hilarious songs or say things that used to be inside jokes between us it makes my heart ache.

Where did the days of lounging on the beach harmonizing songs around a campfire?

When did our friendship turn cold?

It started gradually. I have always done my very best to be there for you, especially when you needed me the most. But seasons change & so did you.

One day our phone conversations stopped being two sided. It was just you talking at me & asking my opinion about you & your life. When I would tell you things, deep – personal things that were making my soul crack, you would brush me off. Tell me to get over it, that this kind of thing happens to a lot of people. But it didn’t happen to a lot of people, it was happening to me, your best friend, and I needed you, my best friend to listen & to care & to tell me it was going to be ok.

No matter how you twist my words around, I tried. I tried to be your friend after everything you have put me through this last year. You made me feel horrible. Your pent up anger came hurling towards me at your every will. It came to a point where I stopped calling you, because I knew you wouldn’t answer & if you did, you would start some kind of fight.

Everything revolved around YOU and if something wasn’t going strictly your way, it was a bitch fit festival. You have said some truly mean & nasty things to me this year-but I kept “forgetting about it” because I didn’t want to lose my best friend over something trivial.

You didn’t even call me on my birthday last year. You knew what a hard time I was having with this birthday. This birthday being my first birthday “alone” and though I wasn’t alone, I had never felt more scared as I did that year. But you didn’t try to make it right, you didn’t even call.

I sent you 5 (FIVE) cards, got you a HUGE gift and called your phone singing into your voicemail all day long. It wasn’t a contest as to which of us is a better friend, but clearly I won that dance off.

But like every other time, I let it go & “forgot” about it.

So then the big thing happened that I couldn’t forget. You shared something too personal on that too personal place-face book. You shared something personal, about my family, on FACE BOOK when I told you not to say anything yet? When I asked you to take it down you went AGAIN to FACE BOOK & shared your passive aggressive feelings with the world.

But I did my best to share my feelings privately with you in a mature way. You then twisted my words & attempted to use them against me. So for the 4th time in a calendar year your words or actions have caused us to not speak.

As if throwing the ultimate mini-fit wasn’t enough- you took it to the next level.
You intentionally left me out of the biggest thing that has ever happened in your life.

You left me out. Your maid of honor, the only non relative at your baby shower, the girl who drops everything to be your friend. This girl got left out intentionally to the biggest thing that will ever happen to you.

This action threw me into a deep depression. I didn’t sleep for a few days & when I wasn’t sleeping or working, I was crying.

I decided to take your words to a close friend, or two. I wanted to know if I was in the wrong here. You know what? It wasn’t me; it was you who was in the wrong. Maybe that’s why I had so much trouble getting over this last wronging. I went to my family & friends with my tears over this calendar year & they kept telling me to give you another shot. That a friendship like ours was worth it, but this was feeling more one sided than usual.

Then @ 3am I got a picture mail, days after & all of my anger melted away. Was that message sent to me at the time it was sent to everyone else? Was it sent to me @ 3 am to wake me up? Did my phone not work & it got sent late as hell?

So I did the things I was supposed to do. I ooohed, I ahhed, & I sent the nicest face book messaged & text messages. I even went out & found that card that I bought you-4 months ago for this very day & sent it off.

I figured, sure you were mean & nasty, but your life has just changed for the better & I was willing to let it go once again. I poured my heart out into a gushing card. So that morning, at 11am I ran out to the mailbox & work & sent that hand made card. It was raining, but I wanted to be SURE it went out right away. I skipped back to work because I was so happy for you & for your new life. I couldn’t wait to get more photos & more updates.

1 hour later I came home from lunch & opened up my email. In that inbox was a shitty message to YOU basically telling me to fuck off.

That was the final straw. I should have known you would treat me this way. This same way you treated everyone before me, the way I am sure you will treat those after me.

Do me a favor & delete my email address. I don’t want a form letter sent to me with photos. I’m not looking to get a holiday card. I don’t care to look at your face. Please also don’t contact me when you come to town for the holidays. I’ll be hanging out with my family & my real friends.

I’m glad you are out of my life. I’ve actually never felt happier with out your fake hippy-dippy bullshit pretending to cloud my sunshine. I’m totally over you rain-ing on my parade.

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