Stop Over Analyzing & Just Be Happy For A Minute!

So it’s been a while & I have been experiencing all of the ups & downs of trying to act cool around LD & totally flipping out because he’s not calling me 24/7. It’s always something with him. It’s his job, it’s his other job, it’s his family, it’s his ex-drama, it’s he’s too tired, it’s hunting, it’s hockey games, it’s never just me. But just when my internal battle comes to a head: Call him OR Delete his number, the air shifts.

I try to live by THE RULE OF 3. If I haven’t heard from you in 3 days, I delete your # no matter how much I think I adore you & how hard the potential of us-Rocked My WORLD!!! I was teetering on the evening of day 3 & I get a call.

This call was explaining the largest drama yet. Apparently he said someone was trying to break into his house. So he was dealing with installing a security system & not sleeping at home for a few nights. He lives in the middle of nowhere on a dead end dirt road, his back yard is a LAKE, has 3 dogs and he sleeps with a gun next to his face. It sounds pretty protected to me…but I guess someone had it out for him?
He did call & explain that all to me though, and said he was sorry & didn’t want me feeling blown off. Me? Oh, I barely noticed you didn’t call at all…. (READS: I have been checking my phone every 2 minutes for the past 72 hours you jerk!). Thankfully, for those 3 days, when I was going through it only a few close friends & my sister knew that I was quite possibly losing my mind.

My sister really “let me have it” too last night. I sent her this email going off on all of my crazy emotions yesterday. She told me that sometimes she thinks that I need someone else to let me know that it’s ok to be happy. I guess I was so used to not being happy, and being told what to do and how to do it, that I kind of got lost in the whole letting myself get happy idea. Then she told me when LD & I get married she wants a cut of the pre-nup since she’s been the one keeping me together so we can be together.

Happy/frightened feeling aside, we set another date for later this week. He called me the following evening & we talked for an hour or so.
He slipped in some rather curious comments. (Caution: over analyzing is about to take place)

1. He was talking about something in his shop (he owns a machine shop…not that I know what that is) and said something like “Every girl I date has to do it”.
2. We were talking about how people were under cutting him on his snow plow business. I said something like he should throw in a gift or something added for value, that wouldn’t cost him anything. Then he says “& I will throw in my girlfriend riding along with me top less while I plow snow.

Yeah I know it’s silly, but the words DATING & GIRLFRIEND are burned into my brain. Also he said something about how I was going to be mad at him because he’s going to a concert on New Year’s Eve. So yes he’s thinking about long term & I am bummed that I wasn’t included (yet?) into the New Year’s Eve plans.

So I am going to do my best to just be happy, for this one minute or two. I’m going to stop overanalyzing and just smile because a seemingly great guy seems into me.

30 things I love about myself.

With my 30th birthday breathing down my neck, I have decided to name 30 thing I love about myself. This was a LOT harder than I thought it was going to be. So when it the last time you gave a little self love?

1. I am a wonderful daughter, sister & friend.
2. I am the best dog mom ever
3. I am witty
4. I have learned when to speak my mind & when to keep my opinions to myself (at least for the most part)
5. When I am outside, I feel the most at peace
6. I’m a fabulous listener
7. I am a lyrical genius
8. I crack inappropriate jokes 24/7
9. I am a neat freak- in a good way
10. I love to win
11. I am generous with my time & myself
12. Entertaining is one of my favorite things
13. It took a long time, but I live my life with no regrets
14. I learned how to love time alone
15. I make a wickedly mean sangria that tends to bite after the 2nd glass
16. I love learning
17. I still have faith in people I do not know
18. I am a sucker for romance & love
19. I try to include everyone
20. I love arranging my home & other people’s homes.
21. My hair is amaze-balls
22. I rock my gift of song
23. I don’t smoke anymore
24. I think best on my feet
25. I am a hugger by nature
26. Problem solving is never a problem
27. My freckles are adorable
28. I will do something hilarious in public to make someone laugh
29. I might not be the best dancer but I love to move & groove!
30. Every morning I do my best to start out fresh.

I need to keep busy so I stop checking my phone for your missed call...

I'm doing my best to stay busy right now. I am getting the feeling that I have had before & it's not sitting right with me. So what do I do when I am nervous/scared/feeling alone? I immerse myself into something else. This weekend that something else was going for drinks with my guy friend; we will call him BUDDY, on Friday. The girl he was dating just dumped him. We were both in the need for some distraction & a little drama-free fun. I think I checked my phone about 250 times that evening.

In general I am a slave to my routines. If you have ever dined with me, you will notice that I tend to eat the same things at restaurants. To mix it up & distract me more, we went to a few local bars that I have never been to. It was nice to get a change of scene from the local bar keeps who I was sure were judging me from all of the different guys I was at their bars with through this whole new finding myself process. I was feeling better as the night got longer, but still checking my phone for an inkling of care from LD.

So we are at the last bar & Buddy notices his ex’s roommate across the room, sure enough, his ugly ex is right there. We ignored her & she ended up leaving. I figured this evening would be drama free- but there was total tension in the room. NOTE: This girl HATES me because Buddy is well, a great friend & we have become pretty close in this last year. I guess I was a threat to her, but lady- it's all good, because Buddy & I are just friends.

The evening ended & it was time to go home. I called LD 2x over the day on Friday and got NOTHING back. No text, no call, NO-THING. I was starting to feel like I was being punished for being upset that I was getting blown off-again.

Saturday I went & had breakfast with one of my friends & then I went to hang with my fabulous artist friend in a show she was in downtown. There was some good distraction. Art, good vibes, fabulous people and a great friend. Just what I figured I needed. I even turned my phone on silent for the occasion.

On my way back home I called LD again, I was feeling very insecure & nervous. I was practically holding my breath. He answered & was in the middle of family drama. He kind of copped a tude, but I wasn’t sure if it was just me being sensitive or what. He said he’d call me later & didn’t.

How many times can a girl check her phone?

I have now gone into BUSY MODE. Sunday my friend & I went shopping. Then I came home & rearranged my apartment.

So I start getting annoyed that LD hasn’t called or texted all day again. Thinking WTF, I thought you were different. So I waited, freaked out. Nothing. I talked to another friend & my sister. They told me the same thing; he’s going through A LOT with his family drama & doesn’t have the time to constantly call this one girl he’s kind of seeing. But to me that wasn’t good enough & I didn’t care. THANKFULLY he texted me just a simple “Good Morning” before 8 am on the following Monday. Damn right!!

So I am NOT going to call him tonight. I am going to let him call me. Which I also hate, but maybe I need to play a little harder to get. Maybe I’m doing this wrong?

TGIF.

Things with LD have been a great & mighty whirl wind of emotions.

Things were going wonderfully. We were setting up our next date which was a week-day date. The flirty texts were rolling in. The fast phone calls to check on my day in between working were helping me swoon. The day was set & I was ready for more excitement with this man who was blowing my mind.

So our date day comes & I am super duper exited all day. I’m gabbing with my girlfriends about what to wear & what we are going to do. IDK what (if anything) we are doing. Are we chilling at his house? It’s not far enough along where I can get away with a sweatshirt & ponytail. Lol.

I tell these friends to thank the lord for their long term sig/o because they can pretty much just roll out of bed & amaze their lovers-I’m still working it!

I get a quick text from LD saying he has to do a few things having to do with some family drama, but that should be all cleared up before I got out of work. Sure, ok fine.

So I leave work go home & start getting ready. I’m curling my hair & get a call: no date.

LD got all sick & had to deal with his freak family drama. I hope he’s not getting my h1n1 & he’s just congested from the temperature change. I mean I was’t contagious when we hung out on Sunday, so it just must be the temp change. He sounded horrible when he called me on the way home.

I kind of copped an attitude when he told me we weren’t hanging out, even though I could hear in his voice that he was’t feeling well. I didn’t mean to & instantly regretted it. But I was totally bummed out. Being the guy he is, he totally called me out on it too. Totally called me out on it- in an: “I’m not taking your shit” kind of way. But I apologized when he called me on his way home. I think I am just going to do my best not to compare him to everyone else that’s ever lied to me & screwed me over. I’m going to go out on a teeny tiny limb here & trust him. He’s been nothing but wonderful, and attentive & honest with me. So I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt & not project my insecurities with others onto him. Doesn’t that sound like it came from a psychologist’s mouth & not mine?

I need my friends to get on TEAM LD. I need them to back me up & not throw me down into a huge pool of my insecurities. Help remind me when I get insane that he’s not a bad guy & he’s not the other people who have broken my heart! My gut is telling me he’s an amazing guy and my gut hasn’t said that in a long time. It’s my personal insecurities that are causing me to doubt something that he’s never done or said & that’s just not fair. So only positive vibes, sunshine & hopefully soon, good booty!

I hope I can use my TGIF line soon. (TGIF= this guy I’m FKing)

So Is This What a Biological Clock Sounds Like??

Someone turn down that clock it’s making it hard for me to concentrate at work, at home, in the car & while sleeping. My biological clock is ticking like CRAZY!

If you would have asked me 5 year ago about children, I would have laughed directly in your sweet little face. I’ll go as far as to say children annoyed me. Sure they are cute, and nice & all. I would sigh loudly when your child ran in front of my cart at the grocery store or ruined my good times on vacation. I couldn’t roll my eyes far enough back into my brain when you “had to go” in the middle of my most recent dating dilemma because your child needed to be attended to.

You must be thinking “boy is she a bitch”, which is exactly what I wanted you to think because I didn’t want your sweet little baby’s awesomeness to penetrate my soul. I always knew I wanted to be a mother, but after one failed relationship after another, I decided I would never be happily settled down & therefore never have children. So I wrote them off. Bye-Bye Baby.

So I stopped considering it. Sure, maybe I did with an ex here or an ex there, but not really for real. Now I think about it a lot. Is it because my friends have children? No. my friends have been having babies since high school. Is it because I’m getting older? I don’t know. But my biological clock is ticking so loudly that I wish I could throw it out the window.

It’s a 2 sided coin. On one side I want to have a child RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE, on the other side I am not stable enough or ready for children. Is there a perfect TIME to have a child? Is there a perfect moment where you can say: Yes- I’ve traveled, I’ve accomplished, I’ve been all the ME I CAN BE, I’m financially stable enough to have children NOW!

Does anyone ever have that time?

Will I ever find that perfect person whose clock is ticking as loud, that might be sane? Is there some kind of questionnaire they can fill out?

Hi, my name is KK, I’m into canoe trips, camping, making up songs, my dog, and laughing at immature jokes about balls- do you think you want to be a daddy? If so, anytime soon because these eggs aren’t getting any younger & neither am I!! How’s your relationship with your mother? How many babies do you want? How old is too old to attend a kindergarten graduation for you? Your place or mine?

Blinded By The Lake

Oh man did I have fun with LD last Sunday night. He’s so freaking sweet, manly and adorable and sexy. He lives on a freaking lake. Like out of his back door is a lake. It’s beautiful & so peaceful out there. It’s definitely somewhere I can’t wait to get back to.

So you must be asking yourself: How did KK get to going out with LD on a Sunday night? Well here’s the back-story. As you know he’s been calling me all the time and totally knocking me off my feet with his sweetness. I asked him if he wanted to hang out on Saturday, and he said he had some stuff going on, but maybe – after hunting – we could get together.

On a whim after I went to the museum on Saturday, I decided to go to see my parents. I didn’t have any plans & I didn’t feel like sitting in my apartment anymore. I kind of had enough of it from the week of sickness. So I called my friends, and went home. I talked LD on my way home & he told me he was excited to get together on Sunday night. I wasn’t really sure though if we were going to get together, because I don’t know what goes on with hunting other than killing stuff & a lot of drinking.

Saturday night I went home, hung out with my family and then hung out with my friends. At like midnight I get this text message from LD saying he wishes that I were with him. We ended up having this really long (kind of drunken) conversation about a lot of things that night. i.e.
How I HATE to be ignored
How if things get serious (as in doing it all the time) how I don’t share well & I’m not cool with him being with anyone else
How I was just in a horrible relationship
His past 2 huge relationships
How I’m not in for a lot of drama (he has an ex who can’t get over it)
How he thinks it’s really cool that there isn’t going to be a weirdness stage with us, because we have kind of “known” each other for a while.

It was kind of an amazing conversation. I had most of it sitting on a stump under the stars @ my family’s house.
So Sunday I went home after shopping with my mom all day. He calls & invites me over. I put on my brand new sweater & boots and headed over there. He lives kind of in the middle of nowhere. I got in the house and wasn’t in there for 3 minutes and he kissed me (hello butterflies). Then he gave me the grand tour including introductions to his 3 dogs & his cat.
We ended up just watching a movie and had a marathon of making out. He was super sweet the whole night just really cuddling up with me and staring into my eyes. I was melting and he totally knew it. He’s really a lot hotter than I originally gave him credit for. I really like the fact that he’s older than I am. I also think somewhere along the lines, someone trained him well.

Thank YOU for lifting me up.

I am so thankful for my tight weave of friends who understand me.

You lift me up more than you know, every single day.

You are CHAMPIONS who don’t make me feel like I am less than them because I am going through a transitional phase.

I am thankful that YOU listen to me even though they might not understand.

I am happy that YOU support me through the big things as well as the small things.

That YOU do not constantly remind me that they are in long-term relationships, married, or have children.

I am thankful that YOU treat me as your equal & not as a bratty girl who just wants some well earned time with her buddies one on one.

I am thankful that YOU also cherish that time alone with me, and that YOU can use me as an outlet to get some time in with out your sig/O.

I feel supported by YOU in that YOU make time for just me all the time.

That YOU check in on me, when there was a time that I didn’t know if anyone would notice if I disappeared.

Thank You ladies & gentlemen-best friends-for caring about me.
Sharing YOUR life with me.
Believing in me.
Making me feel as YOUR wonderful equal, even though sometimes I can’t help but feel like less than.

I hear things all day long from people who make me feel less than because I am not married with children. YOU remind me that aspect of life isn’t everything that matters & if I decide that I want to be married with children that it will happen one day in time.

I love you & I appreciate YOU my friends.