You Have A What ??

I’m sorry, I really am, but I’m not interested in being perused by men in relationships. Call me crazy! I have this weird magnetism with men who are married, or in serious relationships. Did you mention you have a child, oh wait-multiple children?? No you didn’t. AWESOME!!! Come on. Seriously. Flirting with me all day isn’t going to make me want you. I have morals. How did you leave that aspect of your life out?
I have standards. Being the victim of a cheating makes me more sensitive than most. I don’t know what I can tell you though. You have set me up to fail with you. You have been demanding my utmost attention, and I had no idea. I can’t say that I care about you; because you’re never going to care about me...hello…you are in a serious relationship with SOMEONE ELSE.
No I don’t want to secret text; no I don’t want you to call me at work. Leave me alone. You’re great, but you’re a cheater & I’m not going to be a part of your emotional affair. I feel bad for your lady friend, because she has no idea that you are off seeking my greener pastures. When were you going to break it to her that she “isn’t enough” anymore? Does she know that while she’s going about her day, you are going about yours- trying to get all over me?
Emotional affairs, in my opinion, can be much worse than a one or two time physical affair. There is a lot more invested. You are sharing thoughts, fantasies, and dreams with another person. If you’re not happy in your relationship- take it from me & get the fuck out. I don’t know a single couple that has survived this & gone continually along in their relationship with this being a speed bump.
Those things aren’t going to change. You aren’t going to love the other person more one day after this whole affair thing dies down you broke the relationship. Once it’s broken, it’s almost impossible to glue back together. So if you are thinking of straying, get out or go to counseling.

Goodbye Shortstop.

I’ve been on the fence with shortstop as soon as we started seeing each other. I was never ever sure if he was into me, or just looking for a plus one to hang out with his group of friends.
In the beginning it was he, & I but he never wanted to do things alone – just us 2. It was always us going to the events together. He complained when I invited him over, I didn’t even live that far and always wanted me to go watch him play softball & then hang out with everyone after.
I feel really awesome that his friends, especially the girls, let me in so easily. To them, Shortstop was their one wonderful single friend. To me, he was just there. I’ve never dated someone with as many CLOSE friends as I have. It was nice.
I even invited him to meet some of my friends. My friends who are really super easy to get along with, and he blew it. Why was he so cool around his group, but socially inept around mine??
I think he liked the idea of having someone around more than he was ever just into me. Looking back on our dating, we dated for 3 months and the whole time I was on the fence. That’s not normal. Every time I was done with shortstop, he’d come back & I would try to forget why I was done. I was scared to be alone again. I was scared to fail again at dating. But it’s not failing if the other person isn’t what you want, and in turn, you aren’t what that person wants.
Also looking back, I am pretty sure I can safely say he was on steroids. I would have NEVER EVER known it at the time, but I heard some people casually talking about symptoms of users & he fit each & every stereotype. Coincidence? Maybe. I will never be sure.
It took me a long time to recognize that we weren’t a good fit & that we both were not going to change. But by the time I figured I was done with him, I was on to the next one. I was more upset with breaking up with his friends, than I was with him.
So shortstop, we had some great times, but you weren’t for me. I hope you’ve found your “plus one” because I am still looking to be someone’s number one.

An Open Letter To My Friends

When I went through my major break of of 2009, I sent an open letter to each & every one of my friends. I wanted to know what I was feeling at that time. Things DID NOT work out how I had seen them over a year ago. As you know I am NOT friends with X. I did NOT end up living there until August. I did NOT keep my puppy, Oliver. Here is me, at my most scared, breaking the news to everyone I know. I have edited it down some, but reading it again, I can almost feel what I was going through at that very moment.

Hello,

I have decided an email would be the best way for this news to travel. This is still a very private matter, so please don’t start broadcasting my news. I guess I am going to get this out there. X and I have decided to break up. We have been talking about it for months now, and it’s just the right thing to do for everyone. There are no harsh thoughts or feelings, I feel lifted about the whole subject.
Unfortunately, we still have our lease until August. I am going to do my best to be peaceful and respectful to X as long as I am met with the same. As we have found out in the past it’s hard to break up with someone when you live with them. There are a lot of blurry lines involved, and a lot of confusing situations. Please be respectful of my decisions and my actions as I try to sort this out.
We also booked our trip to Vegas and still plan on attending in March. I do want to attempt to keep a friendship with X, since pretty much that is all we have been since moving into our apartment in Ann Arbor.
I do not wish to hear anything hateful or nasty regarding X, or our relationship. Keep your comments to yourself, as I have about your significant others and your relationships.
This is the one thing I want you to take a face value and not over analyze. I actually do not wish to hear any comments about this at this time at all.
X has very graciously decided to hand over Oliver to me outright. X will still be seeing him, but he will be living exclusively with me. That was my only huge kicker in this situation, and a large reason I stayed in a decaying relationship for way too long. I honestly could not have lived without my puppy!
In August Oliver and I will be moving into our own apartment. Which I have never done before, and I am really looking forward to it. I have always had to mash my taste with someone else’s and am looking forward to an all teal and brown apartment if that’s what I choose.
I will need your help in the next few months, but really don’t want to drag out things in LONG conversations that I just can’t have in my apartment where X can hear everything I say. I would hope X would also not have those conversations in front of me.
Honestly, I don’t think a lot is going to change with X and me, since we have been pretty much friendly only for a while now.
All of this is still a very sensitive subject and I don’t know how the next 6 months are going to pan out for me. Just please be there for me when I need you and know that I don’t want to get into ANY of this right now. I don’t have the strength.
I am in positive spirits and am feeling great otherwise. I am looking forward to the opportunity to just be ME for a while. Wish me luck.
All my love,
KK

Cocoon

As soon as I became single, everyone wanted to know when I was going to start dating again. But the thing is, once I convinced myself I was single, I wasn’t sure who I was anymore and I wanted to take some time to get to know who I was now that I was just me. I feel like my past relationship deserved a mourning period.

Plus, I was too much of a wreck to date someone right away. I was too angry. I was too sad. I was too tired. It’s exhausting going through a break up.

Exhale. It gets easier.

You sleep more. You eat more. You get used to being you more. You break free. When you are in the depths of a breakup you put yourself into a cocoon. You are desperate to break free, but you have to wait, until you are ready to become the butterfly. Don’t force it. Don’t hurry it along. Just wait it out. The nightmares & the screaming & the sobbing stop. But it has to be YOU that let it stop. No one else can help you make it stop. No one else can help you speed up time. It just happens naturally.

I need time to heal people. I need time to mourn. Not mourn my ex, but mourn my old life. I’m not less than you for being single; I am MORE than you for trying to pick up my pieces. Back off, I’m in a cocoon here! One day soon, you will see the old me. The me with the sparkle in her eye, the me that laughs & sings & jumps around. She’s around here somewhere. I just need some time to find her again.

The Only Prescription Was To Fade Away

I’m really having mixed feeling about dating again. I don’t want to fall into that category of dating someone, just to date someone. I want to date someone who blows my mind. This is really making me rethink the doctor. Yeah, he has status quo, yeah- he’s cute, but he has 3 MAJOR MORAL deal breakers. What was I thinking? I mean I guess I didn’t know that much about him before I went on a date with him…

Yeah. I’m done.

What could these deal breakers be?

1. Does testing on animals for a living
a. Which when he told me, I gasped & told him that it was SICK.
2. Doesn’t believe in God or a higher power at all.
3. Does a LOT of FREAKY drugs.

When you put it all out there, how could you really WANT to go out with him again? So I think I am just going to try to fade off into the horizon.

So after a few days of not texting for a bit, I get this email:

Hey KK

I apologize for not being so good about keeping in touch with you this past week. I wanted you to know that I have started to date a close friend of mine. It is something that had crossed my mind before but I never expected it to actually happen. It was not my intention to mislead you in any way and I apologize for having done so.

I am sorry to have messed this up. It was very nice to meet you and perhaps someday if I see you around town we can hang out (assuming you would still want to talk to me at that point). Good luck with everything and take care.

Doctor


So I guess he was kind of blowing me off too. At least if she’s a friend she knows about the animal testing. Good Luck Doctor & I’ll be at the next protest for sure, see you there!!

Two dates in one weekend, now I am more confused than ever.

Friday I went to Shortstop’s softball game. I had a nice time, once I figured out I was sitting on the wrong side of the field. It was kind of funny, because his hot friend noticed I was there before Shortstop did…
It was fun though. We drank a few beers and headed over to his best friend’s house.
Once Shortstop & I were in the car alone together, the weird comments started happening. He started saying that I was better than he was, and he isn’t rich so that’s not what I should expect of him. I tried to absorb these comments & then talk to him about what he was thinking. He had no interest in talking about it & then we were at his friend’s house so the conversation naturally ended. He makes a comment when we are walking up to the house, that he can buy his own house, right now if he wanted to- but helping out his brother is more important. (They live together).

I’m really not sure where I dropped the bomb that I was some sort of princess. It really throws me off. I mean I am so real with him & on such “best behavior” it’s sick.

We went on with the evening & end up having a super fun time. So much fun in fact, that I totally forget about the weird things that he said earlier. We are having a bonfire, he’s throwing his arm around me, I’m laughing with his brother, it was just super fun.

Then he walks me to my car to say good night & gets all weird AGAIN! Using hand signals to show me how I am up here & shortstop is down there. I am so above him. WHAT? Then he asks me if I want him to come over. HA HA HA. NOPE. I don’t want to deal with you after acting like that. I need to process & I leave feeling very strange.

So Saturday comes around & I am really not too excited to hang out with the Doctor. I’m just thinking that it will be kind of fun and I am so not into it, mostly because of shortstop. (I guess I am just a sucker for drama).
Doctor meets me at 7 and we have far too many beers, laugh, get some dinner, talk about everything. Time is flying. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, I get this friendly punch in the arm & freeze. Too nervous to turn around, I hear the friendly voice of one of my very favorite guy friends. My friend starts eyeing up my situation, surely he’s noticed I’m drunk & out with someone I have never talked about before. Like a good friend, or purely out of curiosity, he sticks around a bit & talks to us. My friend & the Doctor actually hit it off. Which makes me feel pretty good. I mean you want your friends to like your doctor for more than just being your doctor. At some point in the evening, the doctor & I are holding hands across the table. He drops a few bombs that I really don’t like to hear, but I push them to the back of my head. They are big things that end up circling in my head even days later. We decide to go to another bar. Why not right? So we went to this crappy hole in the wall bar, and basically walked around & sobered up a bit. After all the bars closed, he walked me to my car & we made out for what felt like a happy eternity. I’m can’t lie to you, he’s not the best kisser in the world. It almost seemed like he was trying to reenact a movie kiss…but wasn’t quite sure how. It was adorable at best. He asked me if I wanted to go back to his place & like a lady, I declined. I really considered it, but I had left my dog since 6:30 pm & didn’t get home until after 3. Priorities doctor.

So what not? I just don’t know. I decided to invite shortstop over to a BBQ that my friends are having on Sunday…. But he had a family thing to attend to. I’d really like to talk to him & find out where I went wrong… I hope he gets over it.

I’m also hoping to go out again with the doctor this week. I’d like to give him a chance at being awesome. We have great chemistry, I can teach him how to kiss & maybe I can get over the bombshells.

I have been out of the dating game for quite some time now. Let’s just go with 6 years. It just seems like everyone is ok, but has some sort of huge drawback. I don’t really get it all yet. Are these weird comments the kinds of things that you get over, or should send you running for the hills. Also, I am not a prude at all, but some guys just think they can have it all even when they don’t deserve it.

I’d like to end with- it’s completely exhausting dating, let alone dating more than one person at the same time.