Monday, May 30, 2011

Watching from the outside.

A pang of guilt, a pang of horror & a realization of if I had known, it wouldn’t have made it any better.

Being able to watch a breakup from the outside is hard when you know both parties. It’s even harder when you understand their reasons for parting ways, but still liked them better together. But it’s not your relationship, so you can rally for them to be together but ultimately you have to watch from the sidelines.

It was her idea. She couldn’t handle the distance. She was the breaker-upper. She’s having the hard time; he’s already seeing someone else in an intimate fashion. He wasn’t happy with the break up, but when he got back into town, he took her out to a really nice dinner. This sends mixed signals.

I am a firm believer when there is a break up, there should be a TRUE break. You shouldn’t hang out here & there or still call or text each other. The reason being is ultimately someone can’t handle it as well as the other can.

She couldn’t handle it. She drank & drank & drank & tried to pretend that it didn’t hurt seeing him. Maybe to people from the outside she looked like she was having fun. I could tell she wasn’t.

Then a bomb went off. I got word that he was seeing someone else. How am I supposed to react to something like that? Oh hi lady, things are good, I’m sure you’ll see him later, just to hang out, like you used to….

Oh wait… no you won’t….because he’s with a new girl.

So I feel in the middle. He was my friend first, but because of their dating, she became my good girl friend. He’s moved on, and she’s still stuck in the glimmers of hope of the past.

It rips my soul apart and makes me almost angry. I remember my cheating ex, I know people knew that my ex was moving on with someone for months while we were together & then in my face-in my house-when we were broken up, but no one would tell me to my face.

Now I sit here with this little bit of information & my scars feel fresh again. No one told me, I found out myself. After my new found secret I sat down to a beautifully prepared meal of self-loathing, denial, and anger and washed it down with a huge glass of pity party.

But I can’t be the one to tell her. I’m just going to let her move on her own way. I can’t do it to her & I really can’t do it to him.

Right now I’m torn, but I’m going to keep my perfect nose out of it.

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