Stop Over Analyzing & Just Be Happy For A Minute!

So it’s been a while & I have been experiencing all of the ups & downs of trying to act cool around LD & totally flipping out because he’s not calling me 24/7. It’s always something with him. It’s his job, it’s his other job, it’s his family, it’s his ex-drama, it’s he’s too tired, it’s hunting, it’s hockey games, it’s never just me. But just when my internal battle comes to a head: Call him OR Delete his number, the air shifts.

I try to live by THE RULE OF 3. If I haven’t heard from you in 3 days, I delete your # no matter how much I think I adore you & how hard the potential of us-Rocked My WORLD!!! I was teetering on the evening of day 3 & I get a call.

This call was explaining the largest drama yet. Apparently he said someone was trying to break into his house. So he was dealing with installing a security system & not sleeping at home for a few nights. He lives in the middle of nowhere on a dead end dirt road, his back yard is a LAKE, has 3 dogs and he sleeps with a gun next to his face. It sounds pretty protected to me…but I guess someone had it out for him?
He did call & explain that all to me though, and said he was sorry & didn’t want me feeling blown off. Me? Oh, I barely noticed you didn’t call at all…. (READS: I have been checking my phone every 2 minutes for the past 72 hours you jerk!). Thankfully, for those 3 days, when I was going through it only a few close friends & my sister knew that I was quite possibly losing my mind.

My sister really “let me have it” too last night. I sent her this email going off on all of my crazy emotions yesterday. She told me that sometimes she thinks that I need someone else to let me know that it’s ok to be happy. I guess I was so used to not being happy, and being told what to do and how to do it, that I kind of got lost in the whole letting myself get happy idea. Then she told me when LD & I get married she wants a cut of the pre-nup since she’s been the one keeping me together so we can be together.

Happy/frightened feeling aside, we set another date for later this week. He called me the following evening & we talked for an hour or so.
He slipped in some rather curious comments. (Caution: over analyzing is about to take place)

1. He was talking about something in his shop (he owns a machine shop…not that I know what that is) and said something like “Every girl I date has to do it”.
2. We were talking about how people were under cutting him on his snow plow business. I said something like he should throw in a gift or something added for value, that wouldn’t cost him anything. Then he says “& I will throw in my girlfriend riding along with me top less while I plow snow.

Yeah I know it’s silly, but the words DATING & GIRLFRIEND are burned into my brain. Also he said something about how I was going to be mad at him because he’s going to a concert on New Year’s Eve. So yes he’s thinking about long term & I am bummed that I wasn’t included (yet?) into the New Year’s Eve plans.

So I am going to do my best to just be happy, for this one minute or two. I’m going to stop overanalyzing and just smile because a seemingly great guy seems into me.

30 things I love about myself.

With my 30th birthday breathing down my neck, I have decided to name 30 thing I love about myself. This was a LOT harder than I thought it was going to be. So when it the last time you gave a little self love?

1. I am a wonderful daughter, sister & friend.
2. I am the best dog mom ever
3. I am witty
4. I have learned when to speak my mind & when to keep my opinions to myself (at least for the most part)
5. When I am outside, I feel the most at peace
6. I’m a fabulous listener
7. I am a lyrical genius
8. I crack inappropriate jokes 24/7
9. I am a neat freak- in a good way
10. I love to win
11. I am generous with my time & myself
12. Entertaining is one of my favorite things
13. It took a long time, but I live my life with no regrets
14. I learned how to love time alone
15. I make a wickedly mean sangria that tends to bite after the 2nd glass
16. I love learning
17. I still have faith in people I do not know
18. I am a sucker for romance & love
19. I try to include everyone
20. I love arranging my home & other people’s homes.
21. My hair is amaze-balls
22. I rock my gift of song
23. I don’t smoke anymore
24. I think best on my feet
25. I am a hugger by nature
26. Problem solving is never a problem
27. My freckles are adorable
28. I will do something hilarious in public to make someone laugh
29. I might not be the best dancer but I love to move & groove!
30. Every morning I do my best to start out fresh.

I need to keep busy so I stop checking my phone for your missed call...

I'm doing my best to stay busy right now. I am getting the feeling that I have had before & it's not sitting right with me. So what do I do when I am nervous/scared/feeling alone? I immerse myself into something else. This weekend that something else was going for drinks with my guy friend; we will call him BUDDY, on Friday. The girl he was dating just dumped him. We were both in the need for some distraction & a little drama-free fun. I think I checked my phone about 250 times that evening.

In general I am a slave to my routines. If you have ever dined with me, you will notice that I tend to eat the same things at restaurants. To mix it up & distract me more, we went to a few local bars that I have never been to. It was nice to get a change of scene from the local bar keeps who I was sure were judging me from all of the different guys I was at their bars with through this whole new finding myself process. I was feeling better as the night got longer, but still checking my phone for an inkling of care from LD.

So we are at the last bar & Buddy notices his ex’s roommate across the room, sure enough, his ugly ex is right there. We ignored her & she ended up leaving. I figured this evening would be drama free- but there was total tension in the room. NOTE: This girl HATES me because Buddy is well, a great friend & we have become pretty close in this last year. I guess I was a threat to her, but lady- it's all good, because Buddy & I are just friends.

The evening ended & it was time to go home. I called LD 2x over the day on Friday and got NOTHING back. No text, no call, NO-THING. I was starting to feel like I was being punished for being upset that I was getting blown off-again.

Saturday I went & had breakfast with one of my friends & then I went to hang with my fabulous artist friend in a show she was in downtown. There was some good distraction. Art, good vibes, fabulous people and a great friend. Just what I figured I needed. I even turned my phone on silent for the occasion.

On my way back home I called LD again, I was feeling very insecure & nervous. I was practically holding my breath. He answered & was in the middle of family drama. He kind of copped a tude, but I wasn’t sure if it was just me being sensitive or what. He said he’d call me later & didn’t.

How many times can a girl check her phone?

I have now gone into BUSY MODE. Sunday my friend & I went shopping. Then I came home & rearranged my apartment.

So I start getting annoyed that LD hasn’t called or texted all day again. Thinking WTF, I thought you were different. So I waited, freaked out. Nothing. I talked to another friend & my sister. They told me the same thing; he’s going through A LOT with his family drama & doesn’t have the time to constantly call this one girl he’s kind of seeing. But to me that wasn’t good enough & I didn’t care. THANKFULLY he texted me just a simple “Good Morning” before 8 am on the following Monday. Damn right!!

So I am NOT going to call him tonight. I am going to let him call me. Which I also hate, but maybe I need to play a little harder to get. Maybe I’m doing this wrong?