Always remember

Some people are worth fighting for, but for the most part- the ones worth fighting for, won't make you fight. Clear drama from your life & get happy. This too shall pass.

New Driver's License

My new driver’s license came in the mail the other day. It’s so weird to think about how much I changed since I got my last one. Most noticeably, my hair is curly & blonde & not straight & black. But really, I’m a whole new girl.
In 2008, when I got my driver’s license I thought I was starting over. I just moved back to my home state, after being on a quite miserable self discovery tour of the Midwest. I assumed moving back here meant new beginnings with my old life. My old life in the old state was over. It was time for bliss… or so I assumed.
I moved back in with the person I had been dating since college & settled in to find a new job. Hoping to find a better job than the one I just left. Oddly enough, I can’t get away from my old job title; I’m actually pretty good at what I do.
My old driver’s license was like a battle scar filled with mistakes being covered up by change. I moved 4 times since I moved back to my home state. Each move helped me find a bit more of myself through all of the change & all of the pain that I was experiencing. Sure it wasn’t all bad, but there was a bright glaring lack of good.
I moved back in with my someone, because I didn’t know what else to do & how else to survive. I quickly realized we were in over our heads. So we moved into a place that was going to be easier to survive in. We even got a puppy. The puppy was my best friend, and my escape from the anger, drinking & abuse that was happening all around me.
Finally I ended it. It was my choice & it was brilliant. I was begged not to leave, but I already made up my mind & it scared me. I called my family, broke our lease & moved out about 2 months later.
A new home, a new address on my license, and new beginnings.

Living alone wasn’t easy. It was too quiet, so I got a dog of my own (I didn’t want to share the old dog, that’s just really not possible). So my new dog & I made our home in this new place. There wasn’t a huge learning curve for the two of us. We fit together right at the start.
I started dating again, flopped & then found love. True love.
Then my tiny home that I shared with my tiny dog was filled with more love.
We moved one more time together, this time into a lovely rental house. A house we fill with love & laughter every single day. The house where I said “YES” when he asked me to marry him with his grandmother’s ring.
So on this last birthday, I went to get my new driver’s license & I felt amazing. I felt powerful. I felt like I ruled the world. This is what I look like happy.
The funny thing is, I won’t have this look forever. Soon I will get a new license with a new last name, but for now this is the driver’s license photo where I am happy, full of love & engaged. I’ve never been happier & I think it shows.

Q & A Bewildered in Belleville

Dear KK
I have been hanging out with a girl for a few weeks. (no penetration) The other day during a phone conversation she referred to me as her boyfriend. I did not correct her however, I am NOT her boyfriend.. How do I fix this?
Bewildered in Belleville

Mr Bewildered,
You should have been calling her to correct the error before typing me. Sorry to break it to you Mr. Bewildered, but this girl is now your girlfriend. She has already told all of her friends, her mother, and is very excited to get or send that Relationship Request on face book.
It's strange to me that a few dates over time & "no penetration" as you put it would result in someone thinking that they are your girlfriend. In this sexually charged world we live in today, one would think a few rolls in the hay would have to go down before someone is actually your boyfriend/girlfriend (I mean what if they suck in the sack?), unless the case is they are Religious or a Virgin.
Regardless, is it such a bad thing if this person wants you to be their #1? Are you ready to JUST SAY NO to any other conquests? I think if you like her & have been dating her for a period of time that you are now her boyfriend.
If you are thinking you don't want to be her boyfriend, and too much time as passed (any more than 5 minutes is too long, but if more than one day has gone by, it's BF/GF time!) you are going to have to break up with her. At least you could get lucky with break up sex.
What it all breaks down to is that you didn't correct her right away & I think you like the possibility or the idea of being her girlfriend. You should probably buy her flowers.
Good luck & keep me posted!

If you have relationship questions you would like me to answer, please send me a message.

I found my best friend.

I am in love.

Crazy. Freaking insanely in love. My man is MY BEST FRIEND. I never knew that love like this was possible. I have dated people in the past, but never found that true connection that takes a person to the one.

We have shared dreams & ideas about the future. We laugh every single day. We take care of each other. We trust each other. We enjoy the same things. We don’t necessarily like the same music, but we can compromise with the Beatles. We talk every day for hours. We enjoy each other’s company-truly enjoy it.

I want to give a shout out to my girls who love their men & are HAPPY, everyday, in love.

Cheers to you:

Lindsay.Sarah.Lindsey. Barbie.Marcy.Mary.Amanda.Mary.Tiffany.Dawn.

And all of my other girls who are crazy, happy in love. I appreciate the bliss in your voice when I see how happy you really are. It’s refreshing to have more girls in happy good relationships!

Keep looking for your best friend, you can be this happy too!!

For my boozy ladies with smart phones.

I am so glad that when my life was dramatic, I didn't have the access to smart phones that ladies do today.
Here are some helpful hints to my girls who love drama, love booze & love to air it all out online.

1. Nothing good ever happens after 3am. If you are up after 3 am, go to sleep.
2. Put your damn phone down. No one really needs to know that you checked into your 3rd bar of the evening, and then you hit up taco bell.
3. Fight with the bouncer? Don't call him out online, you might not get into the club next time?
4. Got so drunk you thought you saw your man & that blonde girl sucking face? Don't slap with your left & tweet with your right.
5. When you break up with your boyfriend after 3am on face book (it's all time-stamped people) people know you got into a drunk brawl (again?). -also who knows what time you'll wake up the next day & who saw your shit go down the night before?
6. You look like a loser when the next day, you are magically back together.
7. Learn when to say no. Drunken one night stands don't look all that pretty the next morning & girl, neither do you!
8. Don't try that trick you read about in cosmo tonight, you're going to pull something.
9. Yes, I think your uncle really did need to see those 7 pics of you & your girl making pursed lips in the bathroom. Take another.
10. Booze bloat doesn't make your skin glow.
11. If you are that drunk, someone might be taking your picture to laugh at with all of their friends.

Ladies, let's get real. I'm really thankful that I didn't have the same kind of access people do these days to the smart phones. I've had my evenings of drunken bad choices. But there has to come a time, where you look at your life & start drinking less & living more.

Watching from the outside.

A pang of guilt, a pang of horror & a realization of if I had known, it wouldn’t have made it any better.

Being able to watch a breakup from the outside is hard when you know both parties. It’s even harder when you understand their reasons for parting ways, but still liked them better together. But it’s not your relationship, so you can rally for them to be together but ultimately you have to watch from the sidelines.

It was her idea. She couldn’t handle the distance. She was the breaker-upper. She’s having the hard time; he’s already seeing someone else in an intimate fashion. He wasn’t happy with the break up, but when he got back into town, he took her out to a really nice dinner. This sends mixed signals.

I am a firm believer when there is a break up, there should be a TRUE break. You shouldn’t hang out here & there or still call or text each other. The reason being is ultimately someone can’t handle it as well as the other can.

She couldn’t handle it. She drank & drank & drank & tried to pretend that it didn’t hurt seeing him. Maybe to people from the outside she looked like she was having fun. I could tell she wasn’t.

Then a bomb went off. I got word that he was seeing someone else. How am I supposed to react to something like that? Oh hi lady, things are good, I’m sure you’ll see him later, just to hang out, like you used to….

Oh wait… no you won’t….because he’s with a new girl.

So I feel in the middle. He was my friend first, but because of their dating, she became my good girl friend. He’s moved on, and she’s still stuck in the glimmers of hope of the past.

It rips my soul apart and makes me almost angry. I remember my cheating ex, I know people knew that my ex was moving on with someone for months while we were together & then in my face-in my house-when we were broken up, but no one would tell me to my face.

Now I sit here with this little bit of information & my scars feel fresh again. No one told me, I found out myself. After my new found secret I sat down to a beautifully prepared meal of self-loathing, denial, and anger and washed it down with a huge glass of pity party.

But I can’t be the one to tell her. I’m just going to let her move on her own way. I can’t do it to her & I really can’t do it to him.

Right now I’m torn, but I’m going to keep my perfect nose out of it.

#15

#15

Oh little apartment, all 625 sq ft of you, of thee I sing. A gold key opens your door & helped me turn my life around.

I came into you when my life was seemed to be in shambles. I didn’t know quite who I was anymore. I wasn’t sure of anything-but you were all I had.

I hadn’t ever been alone once in my life and I felt like something was missing. I found my little best friend from 2 grainy pictures online. We were both looking for someone to love & a fresh start. Ever since that day, I wake up every single morning to love.

A gift from an angel helped my life get on track. I don’t know how I would have managed those first few months with out it. Thank you.

I turned this place into my own. I had never been able to really create my own space before, where only what I liked mattered. I created my home.

I can’t say living along was always easy. There were a few times when I had to remind myself that I was the only one paying all of the bills. A few bad decisions were made. There were nights when I was scared, unsure, and couldn’t stop crying. But I had my little best friend and the most amazing support group ever which helped me forge ahead.

#15 became my cocoon. I first opened the door as one being, and I grew inside its walls & in a few days I am going to emerge from this place a totally different, radiant person.

I found my self. I found understanding. I found love. I found my way. I found peace. I found strength.

Thank you #15 for everything then, now & for the rest of my life.

Regrets Only

Everyone has those old friends, the ones who at one point in your life that were you life. The ones who bring you back to those fabulous moments in time that seemed to stand still in your mind. The ones who you haven’t seen or heard from in years & the same ones who you just received an invitation from in the mail.

At that very moment you get transported back to that moment in time when your friendships were all that mattered. At that very next moment, you realize you haven’t spoken to them in years.

Why were you getting an invitation? Shouldn’t you have at least gotten a phone call first? Hey, how are you? How have you been? Remember that one time, back in college where we had a blast?

Yet, I’ve received no call, only a quick note from your girlfriend requesting my address. Not even a high-how have you been. I mean I have known her for YEARS, we’ve gone out on double dates, we’ve been in separate, yet the same circles, but all I got was a “Hey, what’s your address”.

So the invitation came in the mail. I opened it on a short walk. By the time I made it back inside, my stomach was in knots.

Should I go? If I went who would be there?

I hate to admit I have a nemesis. A huge fat raging ugly bitch of a nemesis that I NEVER, EVER want to see again. This girl is a friend of the friends of the GF who wrote me the note asking for my address.

Now my head is swirling.

Would my Nemesis be invited?
What would I wear?
What if she wasn’t, but my nemesis’ best friend (who was friends with the GF) was there?
Would I be forced to talk about my life to some HUGE bitch or a friend of a bitch who is also a bitch?
What am I expected to spend?
Will my guy friend be there?
Who am I going to sit with?
How long do I have to be there?

After about 15 minutes of reeling & soul searching, I opted NOT to go. It’s too much hassle to go to a party where I didn’t even get a personal invite from an old friend.

Hint, if you want me to come to your party where I have to pick up a present, pick up the damn phone.

I slowly lead cat-boy into “The Rules According to KK”.

I slowly lead cat-boy into “The Rules According to KK”.

“The Rules” being:
1. Be a Creature like any other
2. Don’t talk to a man first
3. Always end a phone call first

So I decided that since I wasn’t that into Cat-boy and he was into me, I’d use the rules on him. I spent what little time I chose to talk to him showing how unique I was. Which was all totally true. I always made SURE to let him go, quickly, when HE decided to call ME on the phone. I would end the call with in 7 minutes MAX and “Have to go take a really important call”. He would text me endlessly and I would rarely reply. He would do things to get my attention. Creative things. Wonderful things. But I just pretended to be bored and it drove him crazy.

I found out things about Cat-boy. Things that were bright, shiny, red flags, but I kept him running along side of me. To be harsh, to be honest, I didn’t care. I thought he was fun, and I was interested in him, but I knew who I was, and who he was, weren’t the same person.

As a general rule, I never let someone pick me up at home. I don’t want anyone to know where I live, since I live alone. As another general rule, I never stay out too late. This LOOKS like I am ending the date first, but really, I just don’t like to leave my dog alone too long.

Cat-boy started to get a little agitated with how busy I was and told me he needed to take me out on a real date. I agreed.

This is NOT a test.

I’m watching your life spiral out of control. I’m watching you make horrible, terrible decisions. How many times can you watch someone you love make the same mistake over & over again?

How many times did they watch me make mistakes and keep their mouths shut?

I have taken them aside, and told them my fears. They keep showing me their metaphysical wounds. Yet, they choose to move forward in the wrong direction.

As their friend I can only speak my piece when spoken to, and listen to their same worries every other day in silence.

That’s what a good friend does right? Yes.
Is that what a good friend does? Yes.
Is that what you did for me for all of those years? Yes.

I want to remind you, that you can do better & you aren’t getting any younger.

I read somewhere that women like to date losers/jerks/assholes/abusive/worthless/drunk/druggies/broke/freaks/mean/nasty/unclean/stinky/mother-fuckers who cheat- because when it’s bad, it’s so bad. It’s journal bad, it’s crying all day & night bad, it’s not going to work bad, it’s silent nights and bad mornings bad.

But those few & fleeting points in between when he does something nice- are MORE amazing than ever. That actually great/smart/funny/hot women date this other guy because they like the abuse, though not always physical, because it makes the good times, SO MUCH MORE AMAZING.

I know I fell for it. I was with someone who treated me like absolute shit, but not all the time, not every day, sometimes it was just once a quarter for a week or two here or there, but it was there. But let me tell you, when it was GOOD, it was G-O-O-D!

Turn around & run sweetie. MOTHER FU CK ING RUN!!!!!!

You & he are going to be so much happier in 3 years, happier with someone else.

RUN. NOW. IMMEDIATELY.

This is not a test.

RiRi you are making me blush.

I can’t sing Rihanna songs in front of my boyfriend, in the car, or at the club ever again. Ri-Ri is getting a little dark, a little too into butt sex and a little too into the freaky for my taste.

Aside from S&M, I’ve downloaded & enjoyed multiple Rihanna songs. I put them into my Ipod- turn them up when they come on & replay them when they are over.

I do want my man to make me feel like the “Only Girl in the World”. I want him to text me “What’s My Name” after I leave. Please baby- “Shut Up & Drive”.

RiRi, I love you. I think you are amazing. I love your music & I will continue to buy your songs-because you freaking ROCK. Please stop whispering innuendos about butt sex in your songs.

I can’t sing your songs, feel all sexy & empowered & then whisper something about my back door. It makes me feel uncomfortable and I really don’t watching a child whisper those words in the mall while singing along in her favorite store. I also don’t want my man to hear me sing your words about back doors & start to get any ideas.

I can’t get on board with S&M. I can’t. Sure it’s a crazy song, and some people really like it, but I just can’t. I tried. I was in my car, it was 8:30 am and you came on the radio so I turned it up… But I felt weird driving to work singing about whips & chains. I felt even weirder know little girls are singing this and loving it, and having NO IDEA what it means.

& Have you seen the video? Yikes. I’m glad they stopped playing so many music videos on TV.

Rihanna, no one sings a dance hit like you do girl, but stop singing about butt sex & ball gags- I can’t stomach it.

Pretend Prince

When you first get back out there and find someone who wants your attention, it can be a bit of a game. It’s almost suffocating. You try to remember that you are the prize to be won; you are the ultimate golden ticket. He lets you know that you are the prize, but it’s not YOU as much as having sex with you is the prize.

But know & trust me that attention will fade. Somewhere after the first time you have sex, it fades-ever so slightly. There isn’t a sudden whoosh of air that gets sucked out of the room after you have sex, but I wish someone would install some sort of alarm in girl’s heads. Give it up too soon-before you both know eachother well, and you’re just a sex-thing to them. Please don’t confuse sex-thing with sexy little thing.

It’s like the tables turn-silently and slowly when 2 people have sex. The woman wants now to be desperately adored, held, read those poems, idolized & loved. The man just wants to bang you again. Sure he might want to hang out, but it’s not so much expensive dinners, it’s hanging out close to a bed, at his place or yours.

Next thing you know, he’s not pursuing you as hard, and you’re pursuing him. He actually has what he wants, and he wants it again, but you want that attention back. You’re still that adorable girl you were 3 weeks ago, and now you are trying to make him still believe it.

The obsessive texts will fade soon babe! So make sure that this guy who is suffocating you is really the prince he pretends to be.

The Cat Boy Saga. An Introduction

I met Cat Boy one evening at a large annual bash my friends throw every year. He’s not anyone I really noticed, or even knew. All of a sudden he was near the fire, demanding the attention of the crowd. So I gave it like everyone else did, but I really had other ideas about the evening. I had someone who was on my list at the party that evening & I wanted to pay all of my attention to him. So I laughed at cat boy & maybe even had a conversation with the crowd where he was involved, but didn’t remember it at all. I didn’t even know his name, because everyone kept calling him something strange, I would later find out it was his last name.

That evening I was up until 4 am finishing a drinking game that requires a skill that I don’t possess. I didn’t remember anything about Cat Boy, because he wasn’t a part of my evening. I found an open spot on an abandoned couch & fell asleep. I woke up the next morning with the sun & a screaming headache.

The next morning, face book brought me a friend request from cat boy. I assumed he was one of those people twice removed from me. A common friend of the host’s friend, no one I had ever met before. I accepted the friend request. I couldn’t help but notice how weird his name was. His name was hilarious and he seemed to be obsessed with this cat that I assumed was his own. He was also totally into himself & his dream of being a big deal. He had a strange style that I found intriguing & it showed that he was trying too hard.

Later that day, I had a message from Cat Boy. He was infatuated with me. He told me how funny & intelligent & pretty I am. I was flattered beyond control. I was shocked that he even remembered me, because I didn’t really remember him. Then he told me I was on his list. That if he wasn’t dating someone, he would want to take me out. I dismissed the prospect since he’s not single, and I really didn’t know who he was. But Cat Boy didn’t dismiss me so easily.

The List.

Everyone who is in a relationship has a list.

A list of people who they would totally date if they weren't dating this current person they are with. It's not that they don't LOVE the person they are with, they do, or they wouldn't be dating them... they just have a back up list of potential someone's who would get a call if they ever became single.

Note: This call will be made the second their car disappears out of the driveway. No one waits to turn the corner; they’ve been dialing since they grabbed their keys.

Please also note: In general, the people who are ON this list know. They have discussed it one way or another.

When I became single my list was the first glorious thing to pop into my mind. But I took a different approach; I kept my list safely tucked into my pocket. I decided to only throw out a few hints to people who have told me (*some time & time again) how high up I have been on their lists.

Let’s just say out of this bunch I ended up with a few duds.

Some of these people were actually in relationships now.
Some of these people were really BAD kissers.
Some of these people weren’t as attractive now that I was single.
Some of these people were all wrong, and not in a good way.
Some of these people were jerks.
Some of these people were revenge.

Might I suggest if you ever become single, or currently happen to be: Tuck your list into your pocket. Take a chance on that person who has been waiting to grab their shot at your for years. Hell, it might even be a good time!

Breaking Patterns using THE RULES

It’s kind of funny the people you will date when you are looking for a change. I went from one TYPE to the next. I was very much into the type of person who was totally self-involved & loved to put me in my place. Maybe I was a glutton for punishment. But if I found someone who was full of themselves, and needed constant pumping up, hell, I’d love to follow you around all day long & tell you how great you are while you cut me down! AWESOME! But I couldn’t break that pattern. I am a total sucker for confidence. I’ll even over look your bad haircut, uni-brow or your weird little tooth as long as you keep telling me how awesome you are, I’m going to believe it!

So I decided to switch it up a bit. I broke down & bought a dating book. Not ANY dating book, but THE Rules. Might I suggest you check out the Top 10 Rules right now!

http://www.therulesbook.com/topten.html

This book has been so slammed by people, men in general, that I was intrigued. My current dating routine wasn’t working, so why not gain a new perspective. I didn’t, at the time, have a single girlfriend to go out prowling with, so why not. I was a RULES girl now.

Some of the rules seemed kind of childish for a while, but I have to give it to these girls, they really made you look at yourself differently & they were working.

So hate on haters, if your current routine isn’t working, I suggest at least keeping these rules in mind. I also suggest finding someone to try them on. I did, and I followed the rules, and you’ll hear about him soon. Just note, that it drove him crazy, and he couldn’t get enough of me, until we got enough of each other.

Soon to come-tails from Cat-Boy & how I learned to use the rules to my advantage.

Don't Rain on my Parade!

I keep having conflicting thoughts on the absence of you in my life. One minute it hits me you aren’t there anymore and I’m taken back. The breath sucked out of my lungs just for a moment. When I hear hilarious songs or say things that used to be inside jokes between us it makes my heart ache.

Where did the days of lounging on the beach harmonizing songs around a campfire?

When did our friendship turn cold?

It started gradually. I have always done my very best to be there for you, especially when you needed me the most. But seasons change & so did you.

One day our phone conversations stopped being two sided. It was just you talking at me & asking my opinion about you & your life. When I would tell you things, deep – personal things that were making my soul crack, you would brush me off. Tell me to get over it, that this kind of thing happens to a lot of people. But it didn’t happen to a lot of people, it was happening to me, your best friend, and I needed you, my best friend to listen & to care & to tell me it was going to be ok.

No matter how you twist my words around, I tried. I tried to be your friend after everything you have put me through this last year. You made me feel horrible. Your pent up anger came hurling towards me at your every will. It came to a point where I stopped calling you, because I knew you wouldn’t answer & if you did, you would start some kind of fight.

Everything revolved around YOU and if something wasn’t going strictly your way, it was a bitch fit festival. You have said some truly mean & nasty things to me this year-but I kept “forgetting about it” because I didn’t want to lose my best friend over something trivial.

You didn’t even call me on my birthday last year. You knew what a hard time I was having with this birthday. This birthday being my first birthday “alone” and though I wasn’t alone, I had never felt more scared as I did that year. But you didn’t try to make it right, you didn’t even call.

I sent you 5 (FIVE) cards, got you a HUGE gift and called your phone singing into your voicemail all day long. It wasn’t a contest as to which of us is a better friend, but clearly I won that dance off.

But like every other time, I let it go & “forgot” about it.

So then the big thing happened that I couldn’t forget. You shared something too personal on that too personal place-face book. You shared something personal, about my family, on FACE BOOK when I told you not to say anything yet? When I asked you to take it down you went AGAIN to FACE BOOK & shared your passive aggressive feelings with the world.

But I did my best to share my feelings privately with you in a mature way. You then twisted my words & attempted to use them against me. So for the 4th time in a calendar year your words or actions have caused us to not speak.

As if throwing the ultimate mini-fit wasn’t enough- you took it to the next level.
You intentionally left me out of the biggest thing that has ever happened in your life.

You left me out. Your maid of honor, the only non relative at your baby shower, the girl who drops everything to be your friend. This girl got left out intentionally to the biggest thing that will ever happen to you.

This action threw me into a deep depression. I didn’t sleep for a few days & when I wasn’t sleeping or working, I was crying.

I decided to take your words to a close friend, or two. I wanted to know if I was in the wrong here. You know what? It wasn’t me; it was you who was in the wrong. Maybe that’s why I had so much trouble getting over this last wronging. I went to my family & friends with my tears over this calendar year & they kept telling me to give you another shot. That a friendship like ours was worth it, but this was feeling more one sided than usual.

Then @ 3am I got a picture mail, days after & all of my anger melted away. Was that message sent to me at the time it was sent to everyone else? Was it sent to me @ 3 am to wake me up? Did my phone not work & it got sent late as hell?

So I did the things I was supposed to do. I ooohed, I ahhed, & I sent the nicest face book messaged & text messages. I even went out & found that card that I bought you-4 months ago for this very day & sent it off.

I figured, sure you were mean & nasty, but your life has just changed for the better & I was willing to let it go once again. I poured my heart out into a gushing card. So that morning, at 11am I ran out to the mailbox & work & sent that hand made card. It was raining, but I wanted to be SURE it went out right away. I skipped back to work because I was so happy for you & for your new life. I couldn’t wait to get more photos & more updates.

1 hour later I came home from lunch & opened up my email. In that inbox was a shitty message to YOU basically telling me to fuck off.

That was the final straw. I should have known you would treat me this way. This same way you treated everyone before me, the way I am sure you will treat those after me.

Do me a favor & delete my email address. I don’t want a form letter sent to me with photos. I’m not looking to get a holiday card. I don’t care to look at your face. Please also don’t contact me when you come to town for the holidays. I’ll be hanging out with my family & my real friends.

I’m glad you are out of my life. I’ve actually never felt happier with out your fake hippy-dippy bullshit pretending to cloud my sunshine. I’m totally over you rain-ing on my parade.

The end of an LD Era.

When left alone too long I start to move on. It’s really interesting to look back at my thoughts of a year ago when I was dating so frequently & try to analyze it here today for others to look at.

LD has been very underwhelming lately. It’s been a lot of broken dates, a lot of broken promises and a lot of alone time.

I should have known better with him, but I put on the blinders & told myself he was different. I thought he could have been the one, because he was so fun & he said all the right things. But he was just as I had feared. He was almost a mirage. He was an opportunistic guy.

Unfortunately, I think he might have been dating someone while he was dating me. Or maybe they were on a break? I’m not sure. It’s not the bliss I was looking for and I seemed pretty OUT of his loop. Sure, he talked about me while he was talking to other people, but there were gaps-long gaps where I felt ignored.

Then I noticed he was listed as “in a relationship” on the face book and we hadn’t spoken about anything like that. He wasn’t all into his FB either. He’s not an internet guy. He’s a hunting guy. He’d rather be outside. So how long was this status up there? I really don’t know. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t have anything to do with me though.

This is kind of gut wrenching. I wanted it to be about me. I wanted it to be that girl. But I put on the blinders; I called a friend & told her that he was listed as in a relationship. We both lied to me and said it was likely about me.

I was sure it wasn’t, but maybe-just maybe- he forgot to change it. It’s not like he updated his wall EVER. So maybe when he started face book he was in a relationship & forgot to change it when he got single.

I really, really want things to work out with LD. So I did what every savvy girl does. I got completely hammered with my friends over the holidays, left the room & called him. I told him that I wanted to be his girlfriend. I wanted it to be just us. I told him I had other people waiting for me, and that he was whom I was choosing. I figured in my drunken state, that he would be flattered. I was CHOOSING him!!

He started to talk & I told him to stop talking. He started back stepping, he didn’t think we were that close, and didn’t really consider us “dating”. I told him then that I was really drunk and that he should just think about what I said & I’d talk to him later.

I called him the next afternoon, hung over & ready to beg for forgiveness. He didn’t answer and I left an extremely awkward voice mail. That was December 26th 2009 & I didn’t hear from him ever again.

I have since however had to speak with him, as I knew him loosely in a professional matter. He makes jokes about how he didn’t know what to say & I told him I was dating someone else. That we started dating while him & had been dating & it floored him. It felt really-really good to shock him. He stuttered. But I got to get back at him & as trivial as that sounds, it felt amazing.

Also I have since looked at his face book again. He was in a relationship with someone else. I’m still not sure if it was the whole time. But the 2 of them are seemingly very much in love.

Good luck & good riddance. At least at the end of the day (though I was pretty drunk) I put myself out there & spoke my mind.

Lesson learned: If they are saying all the right things, it might be rehearsed.

Reacting to your exes happiness

I have come to the realization from personal events & today’s headlines that maybe people/friends/onlookers/family will NEVER get past your one big break up.

I mean if Jessica Simpson-who is totally famous- is expected to react to her ex getting engaged- 5 plus years after they broke up, then I guess I should just always expect to get a nice face punch every time one of my friends remembers the good old days. Remember that one time, 6 years ago when it was fun? Sure I do, gee-wiz that I was a great time.

It’s like I too can’t escape it, years later, my big break up still haunts me. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, dinner with friends, sporting event, bonfire-somehow it all seems to roll back to that one big break up. Even people, who I really don’t know at all, know about my break up. These people being friends of friends, people I know in passing. Like my break up was something that my friends decided to talk about when I wasn’t around to someone I really didn’t know.

I hope there was some kind of learning experience involved where I came out the princess. I always want to come out the princess.

I hope people do learn from my break up & I do try to teach my friends lessons from other friend’s misfortunate relationships. But I don’t want to talk about it over & over & over again. I blocked them on face book for a reason y’all!

Like Jessica Simpson, I wasn’t the first to move on. Jessica & I have both had a few failed relationships while our exes seem to be living the dream right in front of our faces. Though my ex is clearly dating down (I wish I could show you a pic of this pig), it still doesn’t help to know that my ex is happy without me. I mean come on- who’s happy without this? I’d like to think my ex is miserable, but that’s just me.

But to ask Jessica to react to her ex getting engaged, well I just think that’s a low blow. I think Jessica is over Nick and doesn’t care if he gets married or jumps off a cliff. I think what the hard thing is, to know he moved on first & more successfully. That’s the gut wrenching detail!

So if you cornered me and asked me how I felt that the person I used to love got engaged after we didn’t work out, I would tell you I didn’t care. Thanks for bringing it up & potentially ruining my day. Then I would go home, reflect on it a bit & move on. Sure it would throw me off for a few minutes, but come on- it’s been years now.

So let the girl be. She doesn’t care & doesn’t need YOU to remind her every time she leaves the house! That goes double for me. Leave me alone & stop bringing up my past already. I’m ready to name drop when you are the next time you are ready!! Remember that one time in college that YOU did that one thing with that one guy.... YUP... I do too!!!

But I guess it could be worse, I could be Jennifer Anniston.... that poor girl is never going to get a break.

Is the message always the same?

LD called me and told me his phone was broken. So he had to go to the Sprint store. I met him there and it seemed like we were there FOREVER. That place is like a vortex for time. It’s just as bad as going to the DMV, because they really don’t’ seem to care about you. People we just chatting, and hanging out and taking breaks, and we were just stuck there…waiting.

Then we went to TGI Friday’s and had dinner. Like a real, actual date. He had to call his mom while I was with him & he told her he was with me. Dinner was really good, and we had quite a few laughs. I like hanging out with him, because I don’t even have to pretend to pay. He was holding doors for me, & putting his hand on my back when we were walking. At dinner we both talked about how we aren’t going to see anyone else right now. Which is really great if you ask me. I don’t want to have to think about him seeing someone else and I don’t want him to worry the same. I tend to open up too much when he’s around. Like my mouth is a waterfall of information. I told him I was seeing someone else when we went to lunch, but I wasn’t seeing him the last time we were together.

He took me back to my car & we headed over to his house for a few after dinner drinks. I could talk to him all day. He’s just so damn cute. It’s safe to say I’m smitten. I left my necklace over there. I HATE leaving things at people’s house.

It’s supposed to snow tomorrow here which means he’s about to be even more unavailable. But I know that, and he knows how I hate being ignored. So I think it will be fine. Plus he plows an apartment complex near me, so he’s just going to have to come over when he’s done.

I feel like I am slowly turning a corner with LD. Like I am moving slowly towards the beginning, but I know I need to watch my temper & make sure to not give away all of my secrets too soon. A girl needs to have a bit of mystery still...right?

Stop Over Analyzing & Just Be Happy For A Minute!

So it’s been a while & I have been experiencing all of the ups & downs of trying to act cool around LD & totally flipping out because he’s not calling me 24/7. It’s always something with him. It’s his job, it’s his other job, it’s his family, it’s his ex-drama, it’s he’s too tired, it’s hunting, it’s hockey games, it’s never just me. But just when my internal battle comes to a head: Call him OR Delete his number, the air shifts.

I try to live by THE RULE OF 3. If I haven’t heard from you in 3 days, I delete your # no matter how much I think I adore you & how hard the potential of us-Rocked My WORLD!!! I was teetering on the evening of day 3 & I get a call.

This call was explaining the largest drama yet. Apparently he said someone was trying to break into his house. So he was dealing with installing a security system & not sleeping at home for a few nights. He lives in the middle of nowhere on a dead end dirt road, his back yard is a LAKE, has 3 dogs and he sleeps with a gun next to his face. It sounds pretty protected to me…but I guess someone had it out for him?
He did call & explain that all to me though, and said he was sorry & didn’t want me feeling blown off. Me? Oh, I barely noticed you didn’t call at all…. (READS: I have been checking my phone every 2 minutes for the past 72 hours you jerk!). Thankfully, for those 3 days, when I was going through it only a few close friends & my sister knew that I was quite possibly losing my mind.

My sister really “let me have it” too last night. I sent her this email going off on all of my crazy emotions yesterday. She told me that sometimes she thinks that I need someone else to let me know that it’s ok to be happy. I guess I was so used to not being happy, and being told what to do and how to do it, that I kind of got lost in the whole letting myself get happy idea. Then she told me when LD & I get married she wants a cut of the pre-nup since she’s been the one keeping me together so we can be together.

Happy/frightened feeling aside, we set another date for later this week. He called me the following evening & we talked for an hour or so.
He slipped in some rather curious comments. (Caution: over analyzing is about to take place)

1. He was talking about something in his shop (he owns a machine shop…not that I know what that is) and said something like “Every girl I date has to do it”.
2. We were talking about how people were under cutting him on his snow plow business. I said something like he should throw in a gift or something added for value, that wouldn’t cost him anything. Then he says “& I will throw in my girlfriend riding along with me top less while I plow snow.

Yeah I know it’s silly, but the words DATING & GIRLFRIEND are burned into my brain. Also he said something about how I was going to be mad at him because he’s going to a concert on New Year’s Eve. So yes he’s thinking about long term & I am bummed that I wasn’t included (yet?) into the New Year’s Eve plans.

So I am going to do my best to just be happy, for this one minute or two. I’m going to stop overanalyzing and just smile because a seemingly great guy seems into me.