The end of an LD Era.

When left alone too long I start to move on. It’s really interesting to look back at my thoughts of a year ago when I was dating so frequently & try to analyze it here today for others to look at.

LD has been very underwhelming lately. It’s been a lot of broken dates, a lot of broken promises and a lot of alone time.

I should have known better with him, but I put on the blinders & told myself he was different. I thought he could have been the one, because he was so fun & he said all the right things. But he was just as I had feared. He was almost a mirage. He was an opportunistic guy.

Unfortunately, I think he might have been dating someone while he was dating me. Or maybe they were on a break? I’m not sure. It’s not the bliss I was looking for and I seemed pretty OUT of his loop. Sure, he talked about me while he was talking to other people, but there were gaps-long gaps where I felt ignored.

Then I noticed he was listed as “in a relationship” on the face book and we hadn’t spoken about anything like that. He wasn’t all into his FB either. He’s not an internet guy. He’s a hunting guy. He’d rather be outside. So how long was this status up there? I really don’t know. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t have anything to do with me though.

This is kind of gut wrenching. I wanted it to be about me. I wanted it to be that girl. But I put on the blinders; I called a friend & told her that he was listed as in a relationship. We both lied to me and said it was likely about me.

I was sure it wasn’t, but maybe-just maybe- he forgot to change it. It’s not like he updated his wall EVER. So maybe when he started face book he was in a relationship & forgot to change it when he got single.

I really, really want things to work out with LD. So I did what every savvy girl does. I got completely hammered with my friends over the holidays, left the room & called him. I told him that I wanted to be his girlfriend. I wanted it to be just us. I told him I had other people waiting for me, and that he was whom I was choosing. I figured in my drunken state, that he would be flattered. I was CHOOSING him!!

He started to talk & I told him to stop talking. He started back stepping, he didn’t think we were that close, and didn’t really consider us “dating”. I told him then that I was really drunk and that he should just think about what I said & I’d talk to him later.

I called him the next afternoon, hung over & ready to beg for forgiveness. He didn’t answer and I left an extremely awkward voice mail. That was December 26th 2009 & I didn’t hear from him ever again.

I have since however had to speak with him, as I knew him loosely in a professional matter. He makes jokes about how he didn’t know what to say & I told him I was dating someone else. That we started dating while him & had been dating & it floored him. It felt really-really good to shock him. He stuttered. But I got to get back at him & as trivial as that sounds, it felt amazing.

Also I have since looked at his face book again. He was in a relationship with someone else. I’m still not sure if it was the whole time. But the 2 of them are seemingly very much in love.

Good luck & good riddance. At least at the end of the day (though I was pretty drunk) I put myself out there & spoke my mind.

Lesson learned: If they are saying all the right things, it might be rehearsed.

Excuses, Insecurities & Seeing if It's Worth It.

I’m starting to hear excuses from soldier boy. Are they real excuses? Is he really busy and needing to reschedule? Did he really forget to call, go to bed early, get super busy & not have time for me? Am I projecting the failure of my past relationships onto soldier boy?

I’m trying to push it aside. Trying to lie to myself for a few minutes until I feel better. I want my friends to lie to me for a few minutes too.

Soldier boy is texting me about our big outing as a couple, with my friends, showcasing our couple, dressed in coordinating outfits. But he’s texting me at work. I can’t talk at work. When I call him back, he’s in a loud place where I can barely hear him & he doesn’t call back when he said he was going to. In fact, he didn’t call back at all that nigh.

A few nights later, things are back to normal. Flirty text messages, attention… maybe he was just not feeling well?

All of a sudden my phone rings. It’s lunch date. He’s asking me out on a real date-this Friday. I said yes, and then immediately regretted it.

I started calling everyone I knew who might be up & would be down for hearing me freak out.
Friend 1: Go for it. Soldier boy isn’t your boyfriend, and you’re not his girlfriend. It’s not a big deal…
But to me it kind of is, I mean soldier boy is going to be a BEE KEEPER & I am going to be a BEE. I want to give him this weekend to just focus on him.
Friend 2: We hash out that I need to blow off Lunch Date and focus on Soldier Boy.
Friend 3: Shoots me a text & says the same thing & to blame it on her still being in town. Since she’s in town now…
So I call back lunch date, and his phone is off so I have to leave a voice mail. Oh well, at least he knows. I really want to give Soldier boy a super shot and I know if I were hanging out with Lunch Date on Friday & Soldier Boy on Saturday I would be stressing out all week.

S to keep my stress levels down, I’m going to focus on Soldier Boy. I just hope he’s worth it.