What is it going to take to have your ah-ha moment?
I don’t know the exact moment that I snapped. That minute when I was sick of it. I was sick of feeling horrible every other day, every other week, once a month feeling broken. But then something would happen every time to make it better just for a glimmering moment & then I would just push back the past. Like that one shiny nice thing could erase all of the blaring sirens that this isn’t right or good or how things are supposed to be.
I surround myself with some of the funniest, intelligent, foxy friends on the planet. A few of them have one more thing in common other than knowing me- they are in relationships that are horrible. Not just for my wonderful friends, but for their sig/o’s. I feel equally sorry for both parties in these broken halves because they can be happy once they push past the pain.
I had someone tell me when I was in a bad place. I had them tell me every chance they could find. But I wouldn’t listen until it was my time to hear. I wish someone had told me sooner, when we were going through the good times. I wish someone would have taken me aside & said wait a minute- this isn’t right.
My friends used to pretend to love my ex, just as I pretend to love their current lovers. But people we aren’t getting any younger.
Have your ah-ha moment. Please. I had mine & I was on the floor crying for a very long time, but it was the best thing that I ever did for myself. We were tangled in each other too, but I figured it out, and you helped me. I’ll help you too! I’ll be here to pick you up off the floor & I can’t wait to show you how worth it you are!
So pretty, hilarious, talented, foxy, friends- jump. You know you aren’t happy, and so does everyone else.
It’s painful to hear over & over how unhappy you are. I love you too much. You are worth it!
It’s hard to walk away. You have things together, maybe you bought a couch together, and you really, really love their great grandmother’s coffee table. But you need them, you have too much together & it just keeps accumulating every day. They help you with things & you love their family. What would you do with out them, with out their friends, with out the help of their family?
You are NOT HAPPY & THEY ARE NOT HAPPY WITH YOU! GET OUT!
You know I am talking directly to you.
Ask yourself this:
What are you going to do if they have the ah-ha moment before you do?
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
WTF Zone
Hi. So I am kind of frustrated right now. Soldier Boy (SB), as you know, has been kind of flaky lately. Last night I was bored out of my mind (because I’ve been watching TV for too many days straight) so I popped on the Internet.
Now I have looked SB up on face book a few times, we aren’t friends, but I have seen his profile picture change 3x since we’ve gone on our first date. The first one was him & some old dude at a conference (maybe it’s a celebrity…IDK). The second one was of him & his friend at the Lions game he went to the day after Halloween. Now it’s just this like full-length picture of him he took of himself in the mirror. Have I mentioned he is kind of vain? He kind of thinks he’s from the Jersey Shore… Ok… not why I am frustrated. For the record, mine has changed 4x since we started dating.
Here’s where I am thrown. I get a message from someone on the dating website & think, heck—I’m bored. So I look, some loser. Whatever. Then I look to see if I can tell when SB has been on last. HE WAS ON THAT DAY!!! So I go into panic mode & click on his profile. Shoot. Now he knows I was on his profile, because it shows you the last 3 people to look at your profile. So I start sweating and even change my user name. Slick right? No.
Today I check my email before work & he added me as a favorite on the website. I honestly don’t really even know what that means. But I do know that it means:
1. He’s on the website
2. He’s on it 2x in one day
3. He knows I looked at his profile
4. I am one of his favorites?
I texted him, randomly yesterday just to say hi. I also texted LD @ the same time. Wouldn’t you know I didn’t get a text back from EITHER GUY?
So I’m very in the WTF zone.
Now I have looked SB up on face book a few times, we aren’t friends, but I have seen his profile picture change 3x since we’ve gone on our first date. The first one was him & some old dude at a conference (maybe it’s a celebrity…IDK). The second one was of him & his friend at the Lions game he went to the day after Halloween. Now it’s just this like full-length picture of him he took of himself in the mirror. Have I mentioned he is kind of vain? He kind of thinks he’s from the Jersey Shore… Ok… not why I am frustrated. For the record, mine has changed 4x since we started dating.
Here’s where I am thrown. I get a message from someone on the dating website & think, heck—I’m bored. So I look, some loser. Whatever. Then I look to see if I can tell when SB has been on last. HE WAS ON THAT DAY!!! So I go into panic mode & click on his profile. Shoot. Now he knows I was on his profile, because it shows you the last 3 people to look at your profile. So I start sweating and even change my user name. Slick right? No.
Today I check my email before work & he added me as a favorite on the website. I honestly don’t really even know what that means. But I do know that it means:
1. He’s on the website
2. He’s on it 2x in one day
3. He knows I looked at his profile
4. I am one of his favorites?
I texted him, randomly yesterday just to say hi. I also texted LD @ the same time. Wouldn’t you know I didn’t get a text back from EITHER GUY?
So I’m very in the WTF zone.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Being sick sucks.
I decided to take a break from both guys. Lunch date has been MIA for a few days & Soldier boy seems to be “busy with school”. It was getting to be too much. The spotty conversations, the missed calls, the long hours or nights even- between text messages. My life was revolving around constantly checking my cell phone for recognition. Once I realized that, I decided to take some me time. I had some super fun things coming up & I couldn’t wait to take charge of my own happiness again.
So I went to a football game with my friends & put my phone on silent & left it in the car. It was liberating to not have checked it 50X to see if anyone of the boys had tried to contact me.
When I got back to my car & my phone there were 2 missed alerts: one from each soldier boy & lunch date. I decided to not text them both back immediately & just enjoy my time with my friends.
By the time I got home, I was feeling ill. Maybe it was too much sun, maybe it was too much tailgating, and whatever it was it was horrible.
No amount of sleeping it off could help though, I had full fledged H1N1 & it SUCKED.
It’s really hard the first time you get sick & you live alone. No one is there to get you medicine, no one is there to make you soup or get you juice from the store, and no one is there to watch your dog. My mom told me to pack up & come home, but I couldn’t make the almost 2 hour drive. I was too sick. It was weird being cut off from society for so long. I couldn’t stop being freezing cold & then pouring sweat not to mention that I couldn’t stay awake for more than 3 hours at a time. I could barely take care of my dog. Being sick alone totally sucks.
Here is the boy breakdown while I was sick.
Sunday: No call/text from soldier boy.
Call from LD.- I tell LD I am sick.
Monday: I send Soldier boy a text telling him I have the flu---NOTHING back
LD: calls me 2x just to check to see how I am feeling.
Tuesday: LD calls me 1x & texts me a few times.
STILL NOTHING FROM SOLDIER BOY
Wednesday: LD calls me at 11:30, just to tell me he’s thinking about me.
8:30- Soldier boy sends me a text asking me how I’m doing.
So I went to a football game with my friends & put my phone on silent & left it in the car. It was liberating to not have checked it 50X to see if anyone of the boys had tried to contact me.
When I got back to my car & my phone there were 2 missed alerts: one from each soldier boy & lunch date. I decided to not text them both back immediately & just enjoy my time with my friends.
By the time I got home, I was feeling ill. Maybe it was too much sun, maybe it was too much tailgating, and whatever it was it was horrible.
No amount of sleeping it off could help though, I had full fledged H1N1 & it SUCKED.
It’s really hard the first time you get sick & you live alone. No one is there to get you medicine, no one is there to make you soup or get you juice from the store, and no one is there to watch your dog. My mom told me to pack up & come home, but I couldn’t make the almost 2 hour drive. I was too sick. It was weird being cut off from society for so long. I couldn’t stop being freezing cold & then pouring sweat not to mention that I couldn’t stay awake for more than 3 hours at a time. I could barely take care of my dog. Being sick alone totally sucks.
Here is the boy breakdown while I was sick.
Sunday: No call/text from soldier boy.
Call from LD.- I tell LD I am sick.
Monday: I send Soldier boy a text telling him I have the flu---NOTHING back
LD: calls me 2x just to check to see how I am feeling.
Tuesday: LD calls me 1x & texts me a few times.
STILL NOTHING FROM SOLDIER BOY
Wednesday: LD calls me at 11:30, just to tell me he’s thinking about me.
8:30- Soldier boy sends me a text asking me how I’m doing.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Reaction to: LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE By Eminem Ft. Rihanna
Love the Way You Lie- Eminem Ft. Rihanna
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uelHwf8o7_U
I have heard a lot of people say how shocking this song is to hear, how shocking it is to know that Rihanna did the melodic hypnotic back up vocals. How could she do this after what she went through?
I wasn’t shocked when I heard it first; I wanted to hear it over & over & over & over again. I was keeping watch over my radio. I couldn’t get enough. I even brought it up to a few friends, aweing over how powerful this song was. My friends couldn’t get over how sick the song was, how wrong the song was.
To me, this song makes perfect sense.
Reading the tabloids I know that Eminem & his ex wife Kim had this very same relationship, Rihanna & Chris Brown has this same relationship… I had this very relationship when I was very young. I was way too young to know & way too blind with love to care.
It’s hard to think about, but no one ever looks at the violence when someone is in the violence. It’s always how to prevent violence, victim versus predator. I like how this video portrays both people being violent & it’s not just Megan Fox getting her ass kicked. It’s a very fair back & forth. This is a bit more modern day, because modern women aren’t just sitting back, they are fighting back too.
I’m not saying to you that I am condoning violence, because I would never do such a thing. It wasn’t right & I am so glad it’s far behind me, but sometimes it’s not that easy. It’s not that lifetime movie special featuring some woman being the victim, running to a halfway house. I don't know that kind of violence, the kind that breaks bones or sends someone to the hospital. For me, it never got that kind of bad, it was more broken things, than black eyes. Sometimes it’s just real & raw & you don’t know if you love it or your hate it, but you can’t turn your back on it. You should, you know you should, but you can’t. How when it gets this intense, you don’t want out of it, but you can’t stand to be in it.
It's intense pain to be in the middle of it, it's intense pain to be out of it. It's so good some days, and it's so bad other days, but tomorrow is a new day...
It’s poetry.
It’s shocking.
It’s true.
I get it.
It’s beautiful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uelHwf8o7_U
I have heard a lot of people say how shocking this song is to hear, how shocking it is to know that Rihanna did the melodic hypnotic back up vocals. How could she do this after what she went through?
I wasn’t shocked when I heard it first; I wanted to hear it over & over & over & over again. I was keeping watch over my radio. I couldn’t get enough. I even brought it up to a few friends, aweing over how powerful this song was. My friends couldn’t get over how sick the song was, how wrong the song was.
To me, this song makes perfect sense.
Reading the tabloids I know that Eminem & his ex wife Kim had this very same relationship, Rihanna & Chris Brown has this same relationship… I had this very relationship when I was very young. I was way too young to know & way too blind with love to care.
It’s hard to think about, but no one ever looks at the violence when someone is in the violence. It’s always how to prevent violence, victim versus predator. I like how this video portrays both people being violent & it’s not just Megan Fox getting her ass kicked. It’s a very fair back & forth. This is a bit more modern day, because modern women aren’t just sitting back, they are fighting back too.
I’m not saying to you that I am condoning violence, because I would never do such a thing. It wasn’t right & I am so glad it’s far behind me, but sometimes it’s not that easy. It’s not that lifetime movie special featuring some woman being the victim, running to a halfway house. I don't know that kind of violence, the kind that breaks bones or sends someone to the hospital. For me, it never got that kind of bad, it was more broken things, than black eyes. Sometimes it’s just real & raw & you don’t know if you love it or your hate it, but you can’t turn your back on it. You should, you know you should, but you can’t. How when it gets this intense, you don’t want out of it, but you can’t stand to be in it.
It's intense pain to be in the middle of it, it's intense pain to be out of it. It's so good some days, and it's so bad other days, but tomorrow is a new day...
It’s poetry.
It’s shocking.
It’s true.
I get it.
It’s beautiful.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Confession: I totally spend too much looking up people online.
Confession:
I totally spend too much looking up people online.
Were we friends in 5th grade? Did we date? Did you just say something funny to me? Are we about to go on a date? Were we enemies? Yeah, some days I just have that kind of time & self disrespect. I have taken to blocking certain people on face book. I block them for 2 reasons.
1. I don’t want them anywhere near my personal information
2. I can’t pour over their information that they forgot to block for hours overanalyzing every single character on that page.
On a very self hating night- I unblocked someone previously blocked. It was the Ex-Friend my Ex-Lover cheated on me with for months. There was a shining main photo. The 2 of them together, holding one another, smiling. Sure they both looked super fat (ha-ha bitches!) but it was still a hard slap to the face. I really didn’t need to see that, and coincidently I didn’t sleep all week & called a few people crying.
Also, it’s kind of like a knife in the chest to see that after what may seem like hundreds of collective hours Googling that high school boyfriend, he’s happily & married. I mean it’s ridiculous what you can find. Same boyfriend’s wedding seemed nice, since the photographer put all the photos up online. His parents look well & I wonder if they did get that mixer they registered for.
I’ve had quite a few Exes find me on various social networking sites. I try to not respond, especially to the crazy ones… but I can’t help but pour through their information. It’s like crack. I don’t care about them, but I am DYING to know what they are up to.
I wish I could stop, but this damn internet makes it hard to do it. Don’t pretend like you don’t do it too or that you are going to do it right now.
I totally spend too much looking up people online.
Were we friends in 5th grade? Did we date? Did you just say something funny to me? Are we about to go on a date? Were we enemies? Yeah, some days I just have that kind of time & self disrespect. I have taken to blocking certain people on face book. I block them for 2 reasons.
1. I don’t want them anywhere near my personal information
2. I can’t pour over their information that they forgot to block for hours overanalyzing every single character on that page.
On a very self hating night- I unblocked someone previously blocked. It was the Ex-Friend my Ex-Lover cheated on me with for months. There was a shining main photo. The 2 of them together, holding one another, smiling. Sure they both looked super fat (ha-ha bitches!) but it was still a hard slap to the face. I really didn’t need to see that, and coincidently I didn’t sleep all week & called a few people crying.
Also, it’s kind of like a knife in the chest to see that after what may seem like hundreds of collective hours Googling that high school boyfriend, he’s happily & married. I mean it’s ridiculous what you can find. Same boyfriend’s wedding seemed nice, since the photographer put all the photos up online. His parents look well & I wonder if they did get that mixer they registered for.
I’ve had quite a few Exes find me on various social networking sites. I try to not respond, especially to the crazy ones… but I can’t help but pour through their information. It’s like crack. I don’t care about them, but I am DYING to know what they are up to.
I wish I could stop, but this damn internet makes it hard to do it. Don’t pretend like you don’t do it too or that you are going to do it right now.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
The Big Night Out.
So I started getting ready for Halloween. I did my hair; I put on TONS of make-up, my stilettos, & put on the smallest outfit I have EVER left the house in. I felt good, I felt sexy, I really was giddy with excitement...
RIGHT before I left to pick up soldier boy, lunch date called. So I had to stall. He was just calling to see what I was doing & to tell me to “Be Good”. Yeah… so that kind of threw me off. I mean who tells someone to BE GOOD? Especially on Halloween with my lacking outfit, please! I had to throw this information as far out of my mind as possible & work on my night with Soldier Boy. So I politely got Lunch Date off the phone. I had other things to focus on. Like building up the confidence to walk outside looking like a whore. A cute whore, but a whore all the same.
Soldier Boy made me feel amazing once I got to his place. He reassured me with a huge smile & some comment about me being totally sexy in my outfit. OK, I was good now. Going out as a couple with Soldier Boy was amazing. I haven’t had this kind of fun & connection in a while. Soldier boy was totally into being a couple too. It just seemed to fit. So insecurities aside, I think this is something that could potentially be good. My friends liked him too. We were adorable; we posed for couple’s pictures in our couple’s outfits. Everyone got along flawlessly. He bought all the drinks. I laughed, we danced, and we entered a contest. It was a perfect night. There were a few strange slip ups, but I wasn’t going to let it get me down. I was flying sky high.
Lunch Date did text me a few times that evening. I texted him back once & then turned my phone off. I wanted to give soldier boy my attention.
The night ended & we ended up back at my place.
The morning came, my dog woke us up & he was ready to go by the time I had taken my dog outside. He had some stuff to do, he was leaving town for the day, going to a sports game or something with his friend. It was OK, I’m not too into the whole morning thing anyways & I wanted to do my own thing that day.
So I took him home, turned my phone on & talked to lunch date a while later when he called.
I am completely exhausted right now. I’m into Soldier Boy, but there are a few blaring flaws that I can’t help but notice. I’m trying to look away, but I can’t.
With that being said Soldier Boy’s issues are:
1. I really don’t think he has a car – he talks about his car, but I always drive or we take a cab or he’s on the bus. I have never seen said car in his parking lot at his apartment.
2. He’s weird talking about his son. Like it’s a secret. I don’t want to meet the kid, but shouldn’t you want to talk about him a little?
Lunch date is kind of blah, but there’s something about him that just sends sparks up & down my body. It’s not that he’s smoking hot either, because he’s totally not my type. Some people just have that air about them. I think it's his confidence in himself or maybe because he's older, established & successful. Whatever it is, I can't seem to get him totally off my mind.
I don’t see a need to make a decision at this very moment but it's amazing to feel this sexy all the time. Does it say anything about the 2 men if I can't choose one outright? Is it too soon to say? Indecision is queen!
RIGHT before I left to pick up soldier boy, lunch date called. So I had to stall. He was just calling to see what I was doing & to tell me to “Be Good”. Yeah… so that kind of threw me off. I mean who tells someone to BE GOOD? Especially on Halloween with my lacking outfit, please! I had to throw this information as far out of my mind as possible & work on my night with Soldier Boy. So I politely got Lunch Date off the phone. I had other things to focus on. Like building up the confidence to walk outside looking like a whore. A cute whore, but a whore all the same.
Soldier Boy made me feel amazing once I got to his place. He reassured me with a huge smile & some comment about me being totally sexy in my outfit. OK, I was good now. Going out as a couple with Soldier Boy was amazing. I haven’t had this kind of fun & connection in a while. Soldier boy was totally into being a couple too. It just seemed to fit. So insecurities aside, I think this is something that could potentially be good. My friends liked him too. We were adorable; we posed for couple’s pictures in our couple’s outfits. Everyone got along flawlessly. He bought all the drinks. I laughed, we danced, and we entered a contest. It was a perfect night. There were a few strange slip ups, but I wasn’t going to let it get me down. I was flying sky high.
Lunch Date did text me a few times that evening. I texted him back once & then turned my phone off. I wanted to give soldier boy my attention.
The night ended & we ended up back at my place.
The morning came, my dog woke us up & he was ready to go by the time I had taken my dog outside. He had some stuff to do, he was leaving town for the day, going to a sports game or something with his friend. It was OK, I’m not too into the whole morning thing anyways & I wanted to do my own thing that day.
So I took him home, turned my phone on & talked to lunch date a while later when he called.
I am completely exhausted right now. I’m into Soldier Boy, but there are a few blaring flaws that I can’t help but notice. I’m trying to look away, but I can’t.
With that being said Soldier Boy’s issues are:
1. I really don’t think he has a car – he talks about his car, but I always drive or we take a cab or he’s on the bus. I have never seen said car in his parking lot at his apartment.
2. He’s weird talking about his son. Like it’s a secret. I don’t want to meet the kid, but shouldn’t you want to talk about him a little?
Lunch date is kind of blah, but there’s something about him that just sends sparks up & down my body. It’s not that he’s smoking hot either, because he’s totally not my type. Some people just have that air about them. I think it's his confidence in himself or maybe because he's older, established & successful. Whatever it is, I can't seem to get him totally off my mind.
I don’t see a need to make a decision at this very moment but it's amazing to feel this sexy all the time. Does it say anything about the 2 men if I can't choose one outright? Is it too soon to say? Indecision is queen!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Excuses, Insecurities & Seeing if It's Worth It.
I’m starting to hear excuses from soldier boy. Are they real excuses? Is he really busy and needing to reschedule? Did he really forget to call, go to bed early, get super busy & not have time for me? Am I projecting the failure of my past relationships onto soldier boy?
I’m trying to push it aside. Trying to lie to myself for a few minutes until I feel better. I want my friends to lie to me for a few minutes too.
Soldier boy is texting me about our big outing as a couple, with my friends, showcasing our couple, dressed in coordinating outfits. But he’s texting me at work. I can’t talk at work. When I call him back, he’s in a loud place where I can barely hear him & he doesn’t call back when he said he was going to. In fact, he didn’t call back at all that nigh.
A few nights later, things are back to normal. Flirty text messages, attention… maybe he was just not feeling well?
All of a sudden my phone rings. It’s lunch date. He’s asking me out on a real date-this Friday. I said yes, and then immediately regretted it.
I started calling everyone I knew who might be up & would be down for hearing me freak out.
Friend 1: Go for it. Soldier boy isn’t your boyfriend, and you’re not his girlfriend. It’s not a big deal…
But to me it kind of is, I mean soldier boy is going to be a BEE KEEPER & I am going to be a BEE. I want to give him this weekend to just focus on him.
Friend 2: We hash out that I need to blow off Lunch Date and focus on Soldier Boy.
Friend 3: Shoots me a text & says the same thing & to blame it on her still being in town. Since she’s in town now…
So I call back lunch date, and his phone is off so I have to leave a voice mail. Oh well, at least he knows. I really want to give Soldier boy a super shot and I know if I were hanging out with Lunch Date on Friday & Soldier Boy on Saturday I would be stressing out all week.
S to keep my stress levels down, I’m going to focus on Soldier Boy. I just hope he’s worth it.
I’m trying to push it aside. Trying to lie to myself for a few minutes until I feel better. I want my friends to lie to me for a few minutes too.
Soldier boy is texting me about our big outing as a couple, with my friends, showcasing our couple, dressed in coordinating outfits. But he’s texting me at work. I can’t talk at work. When I call him back, he’s in a loud place where I can barely hear him & he doesn’t call back when he said he was going to. In fact, he didn’t call back at all that nigh.
A few nights later, things are back to normal. Flirty text messages, attention… maybe he was just not feeling well?
All of a sudden my phone rings. It’s lunch date. He’s asking me out on a real date-this Friday. I said yes, and then immediately regretted it.
I started calling everyone I knew who might be up & would be down for hearing me freak out.
Friend 1: Go for it. Soldier boy isn’t your boyfriend, and you’re not his girlfriend. It’s not a big deal…
But to me it kind of is, I mean soldier boy is going to be a BEE KEEPER & I am going to be a BEE. I want to give him this weekend to just focus on him.
Friend 2: We hash out that I need to blow off Lunch Date and focus on Soldier Boy.
Friend 3: Shoots me a text & says the same thing & to blame it on her still being in town. Since she’s in town now…
So I call back lunch date, and his phone is off so I have to leave a voice mail. Oh well, at least he knows. I really want to give Soldier boy a super shot and I know if I were hanging out with Lunch Date on Friday & Soldier Boy on Saturday I would be stressing out all week.
S to keep my stress levels down, I’m going to focus on Soldier Boy. I just hope he’s worth it.
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