Regrets Only

Everyone has those old friends, the ones who at one point in your life that were you life. The ones who bring you back to those fabulous moments in time that seemed to stand still in your mind. The ones who you haven’t seen or heard from in years & the same ones who you just received an invitation from in the mail.

At that very moment you get transported back to that moment in time when your friendships were all that mattered. At that very next moment, you realize you haven’t spoken to them in years.

Why were you getting an invitation? Shouldn’t you have at least gotten a phone call first? Hey, how are you? How have you been? Remember that one time, back in college where we had a blast?

Yet, I’ve received no call, only a quick note from your girlfriend requesting my address. Not even a high-how have you been. I mean I have known her for YEARS, we’ve gone out on double dates, we’ve been in separate, yet the same circles, but all I got was a “Hey, what’s your address”.

So the invitation came in the mail. I opened it on a short walk. By the time I made it back inside, my stomach was in knots.

Should I go? If I went who would be there?

I hate to admit I have a nemesis. A huge fat raging ugly bitch of a nemesis that I NEVER, EVER want to see again. This girl is a friend of the friends of the GF who wrote me the note asking for my address.

Now my head is swirling.

Would my Nemesis be invited?
What would I wear?
What if she wasn’t, but my nemesis’ best friend (who was friends with the GF) was there?
Would I be forced to talk about my life to some HUGE bitch or a friend of a bitch who is also a bitch?
What am I expected to spend?
Will my guy friend be there?
Who am I going to sit with?
How long do I have to be there?

After about 15 minutes of reeling & soul searching, I opted NOT to go. It’s too much hassle to go to a party where I didn’t even get a personal invite from an old friend.

Hint, if you want me to come to your party where I have to pick up a present, pick up the damn phone.

I slowly lead cat-boy into “The Rules According to KK”.

I slowly lead cat-boy into “The Rules According to KK”.

“The Rules” being:
1. Be a Creature like any other
2. Don’t talk to a man first
3. Always end a phone call first

So I decided that since I wasn’t that into Cat-boy and he was into me, I’d use the rules on him. I spent what little time I chose to talk to him showing how unique I was. Which was all totally true. I always made SURE to let him go, quickly, when HE decided to call ME on the phone. I would end the call with in 7 minutes MAX and “Have to go take a really important call”. He would text me endlessly and I would rarely reply. He would do things to get my attention. Creative things. Wonderful things. But I just pretended to be bored and it drove him crazy.

I found out things about Cat-boy. Things that were bright, shiny, red flags, but I kept him running along side of me. To be harsh, to be honest, I didn’t care. I thought he was fun, and I was interested in him, but I knew who I was, and who he was, weren’t the same person.

As a general rule, I never let someone pick me up at home. I don’t want anyone to know where I live, since I live alone. As another general rule, I never stay out too late. This LOOKS like I am ending the date first, but really, I just don’t like to leave my dog alone too long.

Cat-boy started to get a little agitated with how busy I was and told me he needed to take me out on a real date. I agreed.

This is NOT a test.

I’m watching your life spiral out of control. I’m watching you make horrible, terrible decisions. How many times can you watch someone you love make the same mistake over & over again?

How many times did they watch me make mistakes and keep their mouths shut?

I have taken them aside, and told them my fears. They keep showing me their metaphysical wounds. Yet, they choose to move forward in the wrong direction.

As their friend I can only speak my piece when spoken to, and listen to their same worries every other day in silence.

That’s what a good friend does right? Yes.
Is that what a good friend does? Yes.
Is that what you did for me for all of those years? Yes.

I want to remind you, that you can do better & you aren’t getting any younger.

I read somewhere that women like to date losers/jerks/assholes/abusive/worthless/drunk/druggies/broke/freaks/mean/nasty/unclean/stinky/mother-fuckers who cheat- because when it’s bad, it’s so bad. It’s journal bad, it’s crying all day & night bad, it’s not going to work bad, it’s silent nights and bad mornings bad.

But those few & fleeting points in between when he does something nice- are MORE amazing than ever. That actually great/smart/funny/hot women date this other guy because they like the abuse, though not always physical, because it makes the good times, SO MUCH MORE AMAZING.

I know I fell for it. I was with someone who treated me like absolute shit, but not all the time, not every day, sometimes it was just once a quarter for a week or two here or there, but it was there. But let me tell you, when it was GOOD, it was G-O-O-D!

Turn around & run sweetie. MOTHER FU CK ING RUN!!!!!!

You & he are going to be so much happier in 3 years, happier with someone else.

RUN. NOW. IMMEDIATELY.

This is not a test.

RiRi you are making me blush.

I can’t sing Rihanna songs in front of my boyfriend, in the car, or at the club ever again. Ri-Ri is getting a little dark, a little too into butt sex and a little too into the freaky for my taste.

Aside from S&M, I’ve downloaded & enjoyed multiple Rihanna songs. I put them into my Ipod- turn them up when they come on & replay them when they are over.

I do want my man to make me feel like the “Only Girl in the World”. I want him to text me “What’s My Name” after I leave. Please baby- “Shut Up & Drive”.

RiRi, I love you. I think you are amazing. I love your music & I will continue to buy your songs-because you freaking ROCK. Please stop whispering innuendos about butt sex in your songs.

I can’t sing your songs, feel all sexy & empowered & then whisper something about my back door. It makes me feel uncomfortable and I really don’t watching a child whisper those words in the mall while singing along in her favorite store. I also don’t want my man to hear me sing your words about back doors & start to get any ideas.

I can’t get on board with S&M. I can’t. Sure it’s a crazy song, and some people really like it, but I just can’t. I tried. I was in my car, it was 8:30 am and you came on the radio so I turned it up… But I felt weird driving to work singing about whips & chains. I felt even weirder know little girls are singing this and loving it, and having NO IDEA what it means.

& Have you seen the video? Yikes. I’m glad they stopped playing so many music videos on TV.

Rihanna, no one sings a dance hit like you do girl, but stop singing about butt sex & ball gags- I can’t stomach it.

Pretend Prince

When you first get back out there and find someone who wants your attention, it can be a bit of a game. It’s almost suffocating. You try to remember that you are the prize to be won; you are the ultimate golden ticket. He lets you know that you are the prize, but it’s not YOU as much as having sex with you is the prize.

But know & trust me that attention will fade. Somewhere after the first time you have sex, it fades-ever so slightly. There isn’t a sudden whoosh of air that gets sucked out of the room after you have sex, but I wish someone would install some sort of alarm in girl’s heads. Give it up too soon-before you both know eachother well, and you’re just a sex-thing to them. Please don’t confuse sex-thing with sexy little thing.

It’s like the tables turn-silently and slowly when 2 people have sex. The woman wants now to be desperately adored, held, read those poems, idolized & loved. The man just wants to bang you again. Sure he might want to hang out, but it’s not so much expensive dinners, it’s hanging out close to a bed, at his place or yours.

Next thing you know, he’s not pursuing you as hard, and you’re pursuing him. He actually has what he wants, and he wants it again, but you want that attention back. You’re still that adorable girl you were 3 weeks ago, and now you are trying to make him still believe it.

The obsessive texts will fade soon babe! So make sure that this guy who is suffocating you is really the prince he pretends to be.

The Cat Boy Saga. An Introduction

I met Cat Boy one evening at a large annual bash my friends throw every year. He’s not anyone I really noticed, or even knew. All of a sudden he was near the fire, demanding the attention of the crowd. So I gave it like everyone else did, but I really had other ideas about the evening. I had someone who was on my list at the party that evening & I wanted to pay all of my attention to him. So I laughed at cat boy & maybe even had a conversation with the crowd where he was involved, but didn’t remember it at all. I didn’t even know his name, because everyone kept calling him something strange, I would later find out it was his last name.

That evening I was up until 4 am finishing a drinking game that requires a skill that I don’t possess. I didn’t remember anything about Cat Boy, because he wasn’t a part of my evening. I found an open spot on an abandoned couch & fell asleep. I woke up the next morning with the sun & a screaming headache.

The next morning, face book brought me a friend request from cat boy. I assumed he was one of those people twice removed from me. A common friend of the host’s friend, no one I had ever met before. I accepted the friend request. I couldn’t help but notice how weird his name was. His name was hilarious and he seemed to be obsessed with this cat that I assumed was his own. He was also totally into himself & his dream of being a big deal. He had a strange style that I found intriguing & it showed that he was trying too hard.

Later that day, I had a message from Cat Boy. He was infatuated with me. He told me how funny & intelligent & pretty I am. I was flattered beyond control. I was shocked that he even remembered me, because I didn’t really remember him. Then he told me I was on his list. That if he wasn’t dating someone, he would want to take me out. I dismissed the prospect since he’s not single, and I really didn’t know who he was. But Cat Boy didn’t dismiss me so easily.

The List.

Everyone who is in a relationship has a list.

A list of people who they would totally date if they weren't dating this current person they are with. It's not that they don't LOVE the person they are with, they do, or they wouldn't be dating them... they just have a back up list of potential someone's who would get a call if they ever became single.

Note: This call will be made the second their car disappears out of the driveway. No one waits to turn the corner; they’ve been dialing since they grabbed their keys.

Please also note: In general, the people who are ON this list know. They have discussed it one way or another.

When I became single my list was the first glorious thing to pop into my mind. But I took a different approach; I kept my list safely tucked into my pocket. I decided to only throw out a few hints to people who have told me (*some time & time again) how high up I have been on their lists.

Let’s just say out of this bunch I ended up with a few duds.

Some of these people were actually in relationships now.
Some of these people were really BAD kissers.
Some of these people weren’t as attractive now that I was single.
Some of these people were all wrong, and not in a good way.
Some of these people were jerks.
Some of these people were revenge.

Might I suggest if you ever become single, or currently happen to be: Tuck your list into your pocket. Take a chance on that person who has been waiting to grab their shot at your for years. Hell, it might even be a good time!